Follow My Sorry Ass


Thursday, February 2, 2017

Kung Poo Panda

How are you spending your winter?

I'm spending mine in front of the TV--watching a certain children's movie (Kung Fu Panda 3!) on an infinite loop on Netflix--and waiting for the poop to be ready to go into the potty.

We're in that awesome phase of the toilet learning life cycle wherein we inexplicably don't want to use any bathroom besides our own.

Not the one at school, with the potties that happen to be just your size. Not at a restaurant. Not when we're dancing and clearly in agony since we are trying to hold it for three hours during an outing.

Not in a box. Not with a fox.

Update: But there was big progress today, on this Groundhog Day of all days! The lollipop bribe is working its magic.

---

Georgie's Favorite Words at Almost 17 Months:

Down! (meaning he wants out of the high chair)
Shoe! (meaning 'put on my shoe, you idiot; I want to go outside')
'Side! ("outside!")
Book! ('read me a book NOW, you insolent woman!')
Yeah!
blankie
That ("I want THAT.")

--

"Is it p*ssing you off?" -Zach, empathically, while I was trying/failing to communicate with the lady who was working the Drive-Thru

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Maya Riviera


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmrKXKFR_DQ&authuser=0


We went to Mexico. The in-laws brought us. It was unbelievably fun, riiiight up until we got Hand, Foot & Mouth disease from the resort pool.

And later on, when Joe was putting the GoPro video on his YouTube Channel, we discovered another oldie but goodie [video; not a montage, though] from when we lived in Seattle:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqtAYeY28M4&feature=youtu.be [Might actually work now!]

--

"[A]ny single brain, including yours, is made up of atoms that were forged in the hearts of far-flung stars billions of years ago. These particles drifted for eons and light-years until gravity and chance brought them here, now." -V.S. Ramachandran

"Monkeys throw their poop, Mom." -Zach, in response to someone's idea that we all watch Marky Mark's Planet of the Apes soon


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Celebrity Babies Renamed, Part Four

I think this is the fourth installment of this post; Please forgive me if there were only two previous ones.

(Clears throat) Ok.

Valentina Angelina Angelina Valentine

Dream Renee Jeannie Renee

Dusty Rose Justine Rose

Onyx Solace Odessa Solace

More to come.







Monday, October 31, 2016

Five Little Pumpkins







Deadpool = James
sumo wrestler = Will
zombie cheerleader evil cheerleader = Elise
kitty = Zach
lion = George

--

"Mommy, you smell like fart!" -Zach, ever earnest

"TRUNK or Treat? Sounds like kidnapping." -Will

"Nope, I got this." -Elise, when I asked her if she wanted me to do her hair for Halloween

"Gugget!" -Georgie, apparently fond of chicken nuggets

Sunday, October 9, 2016

October


At the pumpkin farm


At the beach

---

In October,
I'll be host
to witches, goblins,
and a ghost.
I'll serve them
chicken soup on toast.
Whoopy once
Whoopy twice
Whoopy chicken soup
with rice.

-Maurice Sendak



Sunday, September 25, 2016

That Awkward Moment

That awkward moment when...



Will turns 11 and Zach blows out the birthday candles for him, stomping sacred cows. (Will was gracious about it)






You try semi-successfully to french-braid Elise's hair...



...and she schools you, instead.





(more mother-daughter pampering)






And your baaaaaby who came home from the NICU a year ago can pretty much walk all by himself now, and you're kind of sad about it.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Georgenado









Georgie turned one, and a few weeks ago, Zachy turned three. The entire celebration was as follows: we paused a recording of Sharknado 4 to sing and give George the ceremonial single cupcake after dinner.

I can't even keep up with all of these fall birthdays, and we've still got Will's and Joe's to come.

In the middle of it all we celebrated 10 years (!!!) of marriage.





Monday, August 29, 2016

Some Anthropology Definitions, By Will B.

Extinked (adj.)--when an organism no longer exists to stink up the earth

Fartifact (n.)--a man-made, fossilized fart (see also: fossil; artifact)

Homo erectus (n.)--[definition redacted by Mom]

--

"Oh! There's my friend Lawnmower Guy." -Zach, watching the gardener through the window

--

Comprehensive List of Georgie's Words So Far:
Dada
Mama
Gog (a label he applies to everything)
Bahl (ball)
Bahbah (bottle)

Friday, August 5, 2016

We Blinked...

...and James turned twelve.





Fun Fact: Pokemon is cool again. And I have street cred with my sons because I remember the '90's and have the high talent required to sing the Jigglypuff song.



Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Maybe We're Amazed

"It's amazing!" -Zach, re: the ending of Green Eggs and Ham


Zach's first day of swim lessons, in which he mostly refused to participate

"You know what? Shut up." -Zach, at the dinner table tonight


Georgie in repose, since his little legs don't reach the pedals yet

Summer vacation is quickly coming to a close--the kids go back to school in two weeks. We're perennially amazed by the speed of summer. And the most amazing part about any of it lately is how weird it is to have a threenager in the house again [Zach will be three soon]. One minute he's sweet as can be, and the next he's saying his favorite phrase ("shut up").

At least it's not technically a swear word.



Thursday, July 14, 2016

Tuanis (Pura Vida)

Some pictures of Malpais & surrounding areas, Costa Rica.


On the ferry to the Nicoya Peninsula


View from the house (front yard)


The kids on the beachfront bench


Me, Zach, and Will, in a rare moment of not being eaten by mosquitoes


Joe and the bigs at the "secret beach" aka Banana Beach


All in all, I was pretty ready to go home. It was a hard trip!


Walking to a restaurant for dinner, via the beach


View of the house from the road


Actual gecko inside the lantern. Not a decoration, as I'd mistakenly thought.


Wild horses would randomly pass through our beachfront.


James drinking from a coconut (split open w/ a machete by the caretaker, Vicente).



Friday, May 20, 2016

End of an Era

Things are changing rapidly in our household.

This is the second-biggest understatement of the year next to Hillary's "Trump is unqualified...".

The bigs have outgrown their little carpool, because the boys are too cool for the girls now that puberty/absolute disgust for the opposite sex is starting.

And George has learned to soldier crawl.

He's now unstoppable.


We've outgrown a bunch of baby stuff and are getting rid of it (cue sobbing). You can't tell from this, but Georgie's legs hang way off the end of the swing now.



You know it's time to stop using the infant swing when you buckle in your LO and he does this:

"Oh Hai Mom"


And speaking of stopping-using-things, it might even be safe to get rid of Joe's team towel from '99.

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

George of the Jungle

"Which game was it?" -Will, in response to a parental cautionary tale about someone actually dying of video game addiction

"Why is it so f***ing windy?" -Zach, innocently, on a windy evening

"Hey Georgie, you're my best friend." -Zach


George's baby portrait, looking exactly like Zach's at 6 months.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Memes for Moms of Boys

Some More Quotes--

"I probably have an idea." -Zach, when he wants to say something

"White weddings give me gas." -James, listening to Billy Idol in the car

"We don't have time for this!" -Zach, fighting his nap


And some Memes for Moms of Boys-











Monday, March 7, 2016

SoCal Baby Names

I live in a part of the country where "mother of five" is a pejorative to be said only while slamming on the brakes to avoid an accident on the 405. People don't tend to have big litters of kids around these parts, because if you are not a hardcore cheapskate like me you may find yourself spending a metric ton of money to house, feed, and raise them here.

So in Southern California, apparently even more so than in other parts of the U.S., each and every name you pick for your baby has got to really count--real people name their kids real aspirational things like Banjo Minnow (boy) and Babe-raham Lincoln (girl).



I might be exaggerating about Lil' Banjo and Baberaham, but please bear with me as I suggest some...

***(Parody) Southern California-Inspired Names For Your Baby (You Won't Find On Nameberry)***

SoCal Real estate themed twins: Net Equity (boy) and Mello Roos (girl)

Hollywood names, taken one step further: Harlot; Schwarzenegger; Stefani; Blanket Statement; Bowie & Queen (twins)

Place names for those who have never been to SoCal: Elsinore; Hemet; Chulavista; Salton

For surfer babies: Aggro; Charger; Gidget



Monday, February 22, 2016

James From State Farm

So, we're still not over the never-ending stomach virus from Hell.

But.

We got to go to Family Rollout Day at Daddy's work on Saturday. Which means we got to expose a bunch of other unsuspecting folks to the virus from Hell hang out with real, live spaceships. It was cool.


Here it is, your aerospace-themed Christmas card picture.


Zach with a weird rash on his face.

We weren't actually sure we were even going to make it to the event, since Zachy had been sick and we the parental units were dragging @ss from cleaning up diarrhea and not sleeping. But we went. And the kids promptly resumed puking Sunday night/Monday morning, as if they'd barely missed a beat.

So...if you were there and we got you sick, I'm very sorry.

It's super exciting to get a picture of our whole family in which everybody's looking, and James is almost smiling a real smile rather than looking annoyed and almost-teenaged. Everybody was dressed REAL nice, too. Like, jeans and polo shirts and dresses. This is no small deal, because for some reason our eldest suffers from the irrational belief system that 1) pants are never necessary in Southern California and 2) wearing khakis or bluejeans makes him look like Jake From State Farm.

You know who I'm talking about.



Anyway, someday he may eventually recover from the embarrassment.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Heart Beating

George is sleeping on the bed next to me right now, and he is so beautiful. The pictures, they don't do justice to how beautiful he is.




Some more, for posterity and general double-rainbowing:



Let the record show that GT loves pureed pears; hates peas.




Let the record also show that Will gives very good DorkFace when he tries. #Dorkface, as he'd remark.




Let it show that James is outgrowing all his pants much too quickly,




that we let our two-year-old wear his sister's clothes on special occasions,




and that *this* took place (Big Tom holding GT in the NICU) only a few short months ago.