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Showing posts with label #oddlyspecific. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #oddlyspecific. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

An Addiction Story: McDonald's Fountain Coke

 The Fizzy Fiend I Can't Quite Shake 

I wish I knew how to quit you,
McDonald's.











McDonald's fountain Coke has its spicy spell on me.  Like Santana's Black Magic Woman, I just can't leave it alone.

I've tried at least three times to stop suckling at its long, plastic, cylindrical teat.  And as hard as it is to quit stuff, it's not as if it's totally unheard of for me to stop doing stupid crap habitually--one time I actually quit Facecrack for five and-a-half years before letting myself get sucked back into its sweet, throaty embrace.

(Sorry.)

But I'm still lovin' it.

It's not just the soda, or the caramel coloring of it (which, incidentally, is probably slowly killing everyone it touches with its cancer-causing properties, but have you ever tried Crystal Pepsi?  Ewww-uh).

It's the whole sensory triumph.  The cool splash of your first sip.  The perfect level of carbonation.  The grand, compulsive crunch of the ice afterward.  And the subsequent insulin bomb, a pancreatic assault; it all just hurts so good!

This is not a sponsored post, but if you're reading this, #McDonalds #CocaColaBottlingCompany #McLovin et al., please feel free to reward me with a lifetime supply of your ambrosial brown bubbly. 

"I'll tell you when I've had enough, Kids!"


Tuesday, May 10, 2022

Peanut M&m's Are a Good Source of Protein (and Other Lies You Tell Yourself When You're Pregnant)

Realistic Substitutions For Your Unhealthiest Pregnancy Cravings




I have six kids. 

And I’ll be real—my eating standards have gotten lower with each successive pregnancy.  While pregnant with my first child I quit caffeinated drinks, avoided deli meats and soft cheeses, and didn’t even indulge in much Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. With my sixth and final child I was sicker and a lot less sanctimonious. Baby #6 was bathed in a steady stream of McDonald’s fountain Coke and his bones were knitted with hash browns—if I didn’t get through the drive-thru before 10am I would heave in the median of the parking lot.  

Clearly, my last baby was telling me what he needed and who was I to deny him?  But Heidi Murkoff’s classic pregnancy manual, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, goes so far as to bagel-shame the unwitting prego.  Sometimes a pregnant person has no choice but to listen to their body for at least some of their nutritional needs.  Although I’ve been known to mow down half a drum of Red Vines, that’s almost never ideal and you'll up your risk for complications like GDM and pre-eclampsia.  It’s not just about calories, it’s about making sure you get things like fiber, vitamins and minerals, antioxidants, and healthy gut flora, too. So here are twelve real-world food replacement ideas, for those less-than-optimal choices we’ve all made while there’s a cinnamon bun in the oven.   


Peanut M&m’s—> Banana slices with peanut butter; dehydrated banana slices from the bulk foods bin; strawberries dipped in chocolate. 


Fries—> Sweet potato fries w/ olive oil and sea salt; if that’s too involved for your current energy levels, try baby carrots, sliced bell peppers, or cukes dipped in hummus. 


A metric ton of cheddar cheese—> Some feta on a Greek salad with grilled chicken and kalamata olives. Yes, I know feta is risky; if you’d rather play it safe with your listeriosis odds, try the plant-based shredded cheese from Costco. 


Half a box of Krispy Kremes—-> Half a small loaf of banana or zucchini bread.


Raw Funfetti batter—-> Chilled banana pudding in a Graham cracker crust.


Large Coke ( < 50 mg of caffeine)—-> First, downsize to a large Coke with extra ice, then a medium Coke—having a moderate amount of caffeine (less than 200 mg per day) is fine. Or get a smoothie instead.  If you’re really ready to kick yourself into high gear with your wellness, switch over to green tea. 


Spicy Chicken sandwich at Wendy’s—> Baked potato with pepper at Wendy’s. 


Footlong Italian BMT from Subway—> 6” Hot tuna melt w/ cheddar and tomatoes on wheat.


PB&J—-> Sliced apples with peanut butter.


Candy bar—-> popcorn with a few Skittles tossed in.


Linguine with garlic bread —-> Chickpea pasta with pesto.


Cookies & cream ice cream—-> chocolate or raspberry sorbet.

Thursday, April 14, 2022

Conversations With Quora

I used to get embarrassed at school a lot.  I never wanted to ask any questions about anything, no matter how curious I was.  It wasn't so much a fear of exposing my ignorance as it was a general hatred of hearing my own voice in a roomful of silent people.

That's why Quora.com is awesome.

I know this is going to read like an ad but I just need to fangirl on this site for a minute. You just type in your question, pick some people to ask based on their credentials, and voilĂ !  Someone who probably knows what the hell they're talking about explains something important to you.

Here are a few I've asked:







Asking that one for my daughter.








I guess what I am getting at with that one is, is there a biological basis (besides random events) for Elon Musk having so many sons relative to the number of children he has?  Is he, according to any hypotheses, reproductively "fitter" than most, due to having lots of resources to raise his young?  I'm making a lot of assumptions here about the sex ratio of offspring, reproductive fitness, wealth effectively equating to energetic resources, and the overall health/abilities of the parents.


Today's inquiry:










These are things we all think about while we're showering, right?

I tried posting it earlier today, but Quora took it down, thinking I was trolling.  Womp, womp.

Sounds like something Joe would dare me to ask a medical professional. Now I might have to start asking that last one of doctors IRL, and with a straight face at that.  

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Throwback: Baby George Birth Plan

August 15, 2015

Dear Healthcare Providers,
As the induction date for our fifth child approaches, I have developed with the help of my husband some specific preferences about the birth. I trust that, as I have had a rather complicated and difficult pregnancy, my wishes will be adhered to explicitly and, if need be, at the expense of other patients on the floor.

Part I: Lighting and Private Birth Suite Logistics

Although early to mid-September is a high-traffic time in the labor and delivery department of [Large Academic Medical Center], due to other people being totally f***ing annoying the general vicinity of L&D will be cleared of all other actively-laboring patients for the duration of my stay. Patients may be admitted and discharged in other wings of the same floor, however.
I will also require dim lighting in the event that any medical personnel look at me or any part of my person for any reason. A special interior light dimmer switch may need to be installed, but these can be found inexpensively at Lowe's for $12.87 as of this writing.


Part II: Ambient Music

The following four songs will be played on loop (in the following order), at approximately 80 decibels so that the baby can effectively differentiate the lyrics in utero:

-Ramblin' Man (The Allman Brothers Band)
-Every Breath You Take (The Police)
-Hey Ya! (Outkast)
-Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus)

If at any time the above music loop is interrupted, my cousin Doug Chaffee will need to be reached immediately via Skype for a live, A Capella rendition of Heat of the Moment by ASIA.

If for some reason Doug is unable or unwilling to assist, my Uncle Glenn Miller's {preferably pre-recorded) voice singing Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon will suffice.

Part III: Pudding

Pudding (chocolate) and crushed ice (the cylindrical kind that is easy to chew) will be freely available at all times.


Part IV: Modified Lotus Birth
My husband will sever the umbilical cord NO SOONER than 36 hours following the birth, using a series of well-placed aerospace-grade zip ties and an heirloom samurai sword. At that point, the detached umbilical tissue will be collected, combined with herbs in a gallon-sized Ziplock-type bag, and sealed in order to make umbilical cord jerky that we will enjoy on the baby's 3rd birthday.

The circumcision will be performed to the particulars of the 10-page addendum (see attached).

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Yet Another List of Things My Children Are Never Allowed To Watch (And Why)

More Sh*t My Kids Are Never Allowed to Watch (and why).


In no particular order:

TV Shows

1. The Thundermans. Reason: Theme song is catchy AF and haunts me in my dreams

2. Family Guy. Reason: Every time someone cracks a masturbation joke, my oldest three kids laugh. Loudly. Then, my fourth or fifth child asks me to explain the joke, and what should easily be a teachable moment turns the joke not funny

Speaking of masturbation jokes...

3.  Women's water polo or swimming--Pretty much any aquatic sport that women are playing these days. Reason: Atomic wedgies turn all of these respectable female athletes into unwitting strippers.
You may be asking yourself what I expect my kids to do in the event that they are sitting behind the starting blocks as official meet timers. In that case, they should close their eyes and listen for the splash.

4. That Discovery Channel Dolphins DVD. Reason: Contains live footage of a dolphin gang bang mating strategy. Babysitter who first viewed it with them was unsure of what to say.

[An actual book cover I found during my internet quest to remember the name of that Discovery Channel Dolphins DVD.  Some things just aren't meant to be Googled, such as "dolphin sex".  Also, for the record--gay dolphin sex is fine; I draw the line at hurting others, crimes against humanity, or group sex, though.]


Monday, August 29, 2016

Some Anthropology Definitions, By Will B.

Extinked (adj.)--when an organism no longer exists to stink up the earth

Fartifact (n.)--a man-made, fossilized fart (see also: fossil; artifact)

Homo erectus (n.)--[definition redacted by Mom]

--

"Oh! There's my friend Lawnmower Guy." -Zach, watching the gardener through the window

--

Comprehensive List of Georgie's Words So Far:
Dada
Mama
Gog (a label he applies to everything)
Bahl (ball)
Bahbah (bottle)

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Chewing Gum

(Actual Conversation. Setting: living room)


Funny Neighbor Kid:  Hey Joe!

Joe:  (in the middle of changing a poopy diaper).  Hello, (Funny Neighbor Kid's name).

FNK:  So....Did you cut off the tip of baby Zach's penis when he was born?

Joe:  (Holding back shocked laughter)  Well, kind of, but not exactly.  It's called 'circumcision.'

FNK:  I heard that's where chewing gum comes from.