Some Anthropology Definitions, By Will B.

Extinked (adj.)--when an organism no longer exists to stink up the earth

Fartifact (n.)--a man-made, fossilized fart (see also: fossil; artifact)

Homo erectus (n.)--[definition redacted by Mom]

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"Oh! There's my friend Lawnmower Guy." -Zach, watching the gardener through the window

--

Comprehensive List of Georgie's Words So Far:
Dada
Mama
Gog (a label he applies to everything)
Bahl (ball)
Bahbah (bottle)

Maybe We're Amazed

"It's amazing!" -Zach, re: the ending of Green Eggs and Ham


Zach's first day of swim lessons, in which he mostly refused to participate

"You know what? Shut up." -Zach, at the dinner table tonight


Georgie in repose, since his little legs don't reach the pedals yet

Summer vacation is quickly coming to a close--the kids go back to school in two weeks. We're perennially amazed by the speed of summer. And the most amazing part about any of it lately is how weird it is to have a threenager in the house again [Zach will be three soon]. One minute he's sweet as can be, and the next he's saying his favorite phrase ("shut up").

At least it's not technically a swear word.

George of the Jungle

"Which game was it?" -Will, in response to a parental cautionary tale about someone actually dying of video game addiction

"Why is it so f***ing windy?" -Zach, innocently, on a windy evening

"Hey Georgie, you're my best friend." -Zach


George's baby portrait, looking exactly like Zach's at 6 months.

Memes for Moms of Boys

Some More Quotes--

"I probably have an idea." -Zach, when he wants to say something

"White weddings give me gas." -James, listening to Billy Idol in the car

"We don't have time for this!" -Zach, fighting his nap


And some Memes for Moms of Boys-

Dizzyland

"Dad, I have a question. Do you know Buzz Lightyear? Do you know Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? I want to go to Dizzyland, Dad. I want to drive the elephant." -Zach, asserting his nostalgia for our first visit to Disney (and especially the Dumbo ride)

"What's the point? When I grow up I want to be a dirty hobo!" -James, indignant over having to study for a math test

"That's not funny." -James, a few minutes later, when I showed him Chris Farley's "Livin' in a Van Down By the River" thing on YouTube

"I want to live in a van, down by the river." -Will

"What's 'rollin' doobies'? -Elise

More Zach-Talk

"No. Swear words. I wanna use swear words!" -Zach, when Will gently corrected him ('gosh-darnit, Zach')

"Dad, will you sing "Hatty-Birthday-To-You?" -Zach

"Hannaburger" [hamburger] -Zach

"I wanna see the wopter-copter [helicopter]." -Zach

And Speaking of God

I went to a parent-teacher conference for Zach the other day, at his religiously-affiliated preschool. The conference was immensely gratifying, almost as much so as Elise's (in which her teacher reportedly said she wished she had a classroomful of Elises and compared her to J.K. Rowling! *Cough, cough,* genius daughter!).

Zach's teacher says he is doing wonderfully, talking up a proverbial storm, and generally getting along great. This is especially nice because I haven't even been the one responsible for bringing him to his school, packing his little lunch, or doing the majority of the Zach-upbringing, in months--except for schlepping him around to his siblings' after-school activities, and immersing him in the requisite swearing-while-driving.

Thank goodness for family, community support, and good help when a new baby is born.

So we're (Zach n' I) driving home from the conference and have the following exchange:

Zach: (singing, making preschool-sanctioned hand gestures) Open, shut them. Open, shut them. Give a little clap, clap, clap! Open, shut them. Open, shut them. Fold them just like that!

(bows head in prayer) God is great, God is good; let us thank Him for our food. A-MEN!

Me: Oh, you're praying before you eat your sandwich, just like you do in school.

Zach: Yeah!

Zach: Hey Mom.

Me: What.

Zach: (Shouting at top of lungs) G-D DAMMIT!



In retrospect, Zach's teacher seemed to be laughing about something and looking at me out of the corner of her eyes during the conference.

It's back to the Swear Jar for me.

Man in the Mirror

Some stuff that came home in Elise's backpack this week:






“They chew the babies [sic] food and barf it back up…”

I'm imagining the lesson: "and that's what's known as 'parental regurgitation behavior', kids. Okay, class dismissed for lunch."



Not sure what to think about this, entitled The Mirror.

Toddlerspeak: A Few Definitions

Big Tom (n.)- See Also: Grandpa Tom.

Big Truck (n.)- (1) Any large vehicle; (2) alias of Uncle Chuck.

Elmote (n.)- A device that, when pointed at the TV, summons Elmo to the screen.

Gramma Kiss (n.)- See Also: Grandma Kris.

Nack (n.)- a fruit snack.

Acronyms

"Take me to church, I'll whistle like a dog on a Saturday night..." -Elise, singing her interpretation of Hozier

"ELISE is an acronym. It means Eggfart Leprosy Idiotic Stupid Elephantitis." -Will, apparently unaware of wet-lab immunoassay ELISA

"Oh yeah? 'WILL' stands for Whalepoop Idiotic Lame Loser!" -Elise, without missing a beat

Ish My Kids Say, Tween Edition

Some of my kids are getting kind of mean-ish and tween-ish.

Examples:

Will called Elise a "can of butt juice" yesterday, inciting me to gag (stupid pregnancy-related nausea).

Less benignly, James called a fellow fourth-grader at school an "ugly lesbian" and chased him off the playground. When I heard about this incident from my good momfriend, I gave him a stern, for-ten-year-olds version of a lecture on hate speech and took away the computer (travesty). Then, today, he informed me that all I do is "drink Coke and nap all day." Oh, how I wish that were true, mine-angry tween-ish child.

And to top it off, Elise is really fond of making catty comments about James' birthmark within his earshot. That's all I need, for him to develop a massive complex about your standard-issue hyperpigmentation, because we aren't all neurotic enough around here.

That's pretty much it. Zach hasn't hit the mean comment phase yet, just the literal one where he says, "hit!" and hits you (hard). New baby is being a little bit mean, making me a little bit sick still, but that I can abide.

Zach's First Sentence, & More

"Mama sick!" [makes barfing noises] -Zach

"Mom, I've been right about things before. And I think you might be having a baby." -Elise, ever-observant

"Mom, if you decide to have another baby, and I'm not saying you are, I'll help change diapers!" -James, making me cry the other day

"Mom, I'm sorry you don't feel good. I love you." -Will

Ish My Toddler Says: A Proud Mama's List

*Brag Alert*

I'm kind of impressed with Zachy these days, especially because of how much he is talking.  Of course, all of my children are geniuses, but I'd forgotten how delightful it is when they start saying lots of intelligible things.

Here is a comprehensive list of the words and phrases Zach says, at age almost-17-months:

Trash
Trash truck
Daddy
Mama
Jame (James)
Wull (Will)
Eeese (Elise)
Cop-corn (popcorn)
Sishy (fishy)
Bottle
Water
Cold ice
Cold water
Side (outside)
Car
Car-car (cracker)
Doggie oof-oof (doggie woof woof)
Bye
Hi
More
Down
Ball
Cossickle (popsicle)
Nanna (banana)
Potty [maybe this means he will potty-train early!!!! Please oh please.]
House
Sweep
Go-gurr (yogurt)
Shoes
Kahk kahk (quack quack)
Baah-time! (bath time!)


In other kid-related news, school started again--grumble grumble after much too long a winter break grumble grumble--and the kids promptly took turns getting sick.  First it was Will and Elise, then Zachy (and Joe, for several days this week), and then James got it this weekend.  Fevers, nasty coughs, body aches, diarrhea.  Extreme grumpiness and laying around and moaning.  Snot ad nauseam.  I'm the only one who hasn't had a twinge of it and luckily Zach's was a pretty mild version.  But woe to anyone who comes in our house right now; you'll probably catch it just by glancing at a doorknob or something.

Oh yeah.  And Elise broke her first bone while we were at the park on the Thursday before last.  For some reason she jumped off a swing and apparently landed right arm all funny-like. She walked over to me crying afterward, cradling her forearm.  I knew she had to be hurt pretty badly because it looked bruised and swollen immediately.  Then, she got really p*ssed and started sobbing again when I told her we needed to go have it looked at, because she hates taking medicine and always suspects she'll have to get a shot.  Poor Elise.

Since Joe was at work I got to bring e'erybody along to urgent care (yep, the same local place where they gave me the false positive pee test results that one time--yay).  They actually sent us elsewhere within that system to get a cast put on it, with minimal instructions, so I spent quite a long time dragging the kids from building to office building trying to figure out where the hell orthopedics was.  By the time we finally found the right building, it was too late in the day to even do her cast because the doctors had gone home!  We got sent home with her temporary brace on until the next day.  It was a very stable break, but still.  Highly frustrating.

The bright side is that she was actually ok with ending up with a cast, it being pink and all.

Big brothers: not too terribly bothered by sister's painful ordeal.

Trash Talk

"I should be a chameleon someday.  No, Canadian?  Comedian!"  -James

"Boom!  Go tell THAT to all of your friends!"  -Will, during an argument with Elise

"Trash!"  -Zach, throwing anything he finds into the trash

THAT Guy

"'Cause you're a guy, 'cause you're a guy, full of farts.  That's a dis-compliment." -Will, singing to the tune of Coldplay's A Sky Full of Stars and directing said-lyrics at his older brother

"THAT guy!"  -Zach, when he looks in the mirror and points at himself

"Excuse me, WHY are we reading this?"  -James, interrupting me as I read a particularly graphic scene from Julie of the Wolves, wherein the adult wolves regurgitate their meat for the newly-weaned juveniles

"I told you a million times: a zombie cheerleader."  -Elise, when asked about her Halloween costume plans

--

I've already got my most authentic Halloween zombie accessory: a real-live "ouch" from parathyroidectomy #2.

Riding in Cars with Kids

Mid-1990's flashback of the week:

James:  Mom, what's a "wonderwall"?
Me:  (Turning down the Oasis song on the radio)  I don't know, buddy.  What do you think it is?
James:  A koala.
Me:  I think that's a "wallaby" you're thinking of.
James:  Nope.  Two different things.

Will's Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom (A Fill-in-the-blank assignment)
by William B., age 8


A penny saved is:  "a penny lost"

Absence makes:  "work to do"

An apple a day keeps:  "growing"

Beauty is:  "amazing"

Children should:  "always be friends"  [Awww...]

Money is:  "not all that matters"  [Good job, Will!]

People who live in glass houses shouldn't:  "be teased"

There's no place like:  "home"

Two heads are:  "better than one"

You can't teach an old dog:  "tricks"

Yet Another List of Kid Quotes

"I'm so over first grade."  -Elise

"You don't want to continue swearing because it makes you sound like an idiot."  -James, gently reminding me why I need to stay on the "no-swearing" wagon

"[Funny Neighbor Kid], You are being such an 'A-S-S Hole'!"  -James, at the park playdate this week, when said-neighbor-kid threw a water balloon at Will

"We already know that, Mom.  Please stop telling us."  -Will, whenever I tell him that it's okay to lose when you play sports

Zach cruises for the first time.  He may have skipped the whole crawling thing.

Chewing Gum

(Actual Conversation. Setting: living room)


Funny Neighbor Kid:  Hey Joe!

Joe:  (in the middle of changing a poopy diaper).  Hello, (Funny Neighbor Kid's name).

FNK:  So....Did you cut off the tip of baby Zach's penis when he was born?

Joe:  (Holding back shocked laughter)  Well, kind of, but not exactly.  It's called 'circumcision.'

FNK:  I heard that's where chewing gum comes from.

Latest Kid Quotes

"Ahh!  I can feel his little piranha teeth!" -Will, putting his finger in Zach's mouth

"Well, do you want me to do it, or not?" -James, when I lectured him about the "mo' money mo' problems" aspect of inventing a teleportation machine/ becoming the world's richest man

"They were making me do little tiny floaty things with my hands, and it, like, wasn't doing anything!" -Elise, on learning to scull in her first synchro practice

"Gog!" -Zach  ["He's religious!" -Aunt Linda]

--

Kid news:  James starts water polo tomorrow.  Will's playing flag football and scored two touchdowns during each of his last two games.  Elise started synchronized swimming today.  Zach got his first two teeth, 'round the cape of a sudden.

The school year is quickly wrapping up; it's already almost May.  The big boys did science fair (Elise decided hers was just a practice this year) and had a weeks-long argument over who first came up with the idea they both used.  James refused to document his results on his poster, citing embarrassment that only one marigold seedling survived the 6" of rain we randomly received in one day.  Will's poster was more complete, but decidedly less legible.  Note to selves: make kids type it next year.  Second note to selves: find out whether brothers in the same grade are allowed to collaborate on a project, the way real scientists do.  Then, they can fight over which of them gets first authorship, like real scientists do.  Hah.

I can't wait to start Zach's mommy & me class this Friday.

And now, for a random photo.

Daddy & Zachy.  Zach is in a rare moment of not smiling.