At a Medium Pace

 I've been writing over at Medium lately, so I haven't had time to post much here.

Plus, it's summer, so I don't have a lot of time that I'm not juggling kids.  And Joe tends to demand attention when I'm trying to write at night.

By the end of the day I'm this tired:

Here are some of my latest Medium articles.

Parenting Quiz 2.0 (in Frazzled)

Confessions of a Recovering Baby Addict (in Sweary Mommy)

Learning to Love my Saggy Boobies After Babies (in Doctor Funny)

A Mom's Conversation With Corporate McDonald's (in Sweary Mommy)

And, my personal favorite, 

My Obsession With Amish Romance Novels (in Modern Women)

Sweary Mommy is my fledgling "Parenting Humor" publication; Doctor Funny, Modern Women, and Frazzled are other niche pubs I've written for.

And I recently got accepted by Slackjaw, which is a widely-read thing.  I'm so stoked!

Slackjaw is running my piece on July 20th.

If you're a writer--or a wannabe humorist--join me and write for my pub.

More LinkedIn

 I added a short "About Me" to my SAHM LinkedIn resume.  

"Lord.  You can imagine where it goes from here." -Maude Lebowski

#CrankingOutBabies  

#SixChildren  #MomBoss

Sidebar: A CV of my publications and academic interests.

B*tch and Moan

Now that I’ve been a mom for kind of a long time, I can’t decide whether I should laugh or get righteously indignant about the following story from my childhood:

When I was about seven and my brother, Max, was five, we would argue and complain a lot.

Addressing an imaginary audience, Dad would interrupt us to say, “These are my two kids, B*tch and Moan!”

Then Max and I would argue with each other about who got to be Moan. 

Yet Another List of Things My Children Are Never Allowed To Watch (And Why)

More Sh*t My Kids Are Never Allowed to Watch (and why).


In no particular order:

TV Shows

1. The Thundermans. Reason: Theme song is catchy AF and haunts me in my dreams

2. Family Guy. Reason: Every time someone cracks a masturbation joke, my oldest three kids laugh. Loudly. Then, my fourth or fifth child asks me to explain the joke, and what should easily be a teachable moment turns the joke not funny

Speaking of masturbation jokes...

3.  Women's water polo or swimming--Pretty much any aquatic sport that women are playing these days. Reason: Atomic wedgies turn all of these respectable female athletes into unwitting strippers.
You may be asking yourself what I expect my kids to do in the event that they are sitting behind the starting blocks as official meet timers. In that case, they should close their eyes and listen for the splash.

4. That Discovery Channel Dolphins DVD. Reason: Contains live footage of a dolphin gang bang mating strategy. Babysitter who first viewed it with them was unsure of what to say.

[An actual book cover I found during my internet quest to remember the name of that Discovery Channel Dolphins DVD.  Some things just aren't meant to be Googled, such as "dolphin sex".  Also, for the record--gay dolphin sex is fine; I draw the line at hurting others, crimes against humanity, or group sex, though.]

Some Anthropology Definitions, By Will B.

Extinked (adj.)--when an organism no longer exists to stink up the earth

Fartifact (n.)--a man-made, fossilized fart (see also: fossil; artifact)

Homo erectus (n.)--[definition redacted by Mom]

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"Oh! There's my friend Lawnmower Guy." -Zach, watching the gardener through the window

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Comprehensive List of Georgie's Words So Far:
Dada
Mama
Gog (a label he applies to everything)
Bahl (ball)
Bahbah (bottle)