All I Need to Know: Flatulence

 Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Family of Farters

A corporeal weapon is one of the most readily available means of revenge.

Some people should never, ever consume pulled pork with beer. 

Someone who eats a pound of dried apricots in one sitting before boarding an airplane is up to something sinister and should be reported to TSA.

It’s a good idea to hold your breath for about twenty-five seconds when someone suddenly rolls down the car window. 

An unborn child is almost fully responsible for his pregnant mother’s gas and thus provides a perfect scapegoat.

Some of the worst stank imaginable can come from a kitten or a breastfed two-month-old.

When your Danish swim coach shakes his head scornfully and says, “you make the bad air”, very little is lost in the translation. 

The human anus has an impressive repertoire of sounds—a towel ripping in half, someone dropping a cup of Jell-o pudding, or the violent squeezing of an angry cat, to name a few.

Your relationship has reached the next level of intimacy when your SO comes over and you no longer bother to cropdust your downstairs roommates before getting it on.

In the flatulence industry, nobody labors harder than six college boys doing abdominal exercises in Speedos.

Establish dominance by sitting in your spouse’s lap and releasing the hounds.

He who smelt it dealt it is mathematically improbable in a household with six males.

The best way to make a classroom full of children scream with delighted laughter is to back yourself through the doorway while dragging an AV cart and loudly rip ass.

There’s a simple fix for when one of you isn’t totally in the mood—one that doesn’t invoke Kathy Bates’s hot tub scene in About Schmidt.

There’s insidious danger in being the big spoon.

The surest way to get your first black eye is to squat over your sleeping brother’s face, yell WAKE UP CALL and let one fly*.

Give a child bean burritos, make him laugh for an evening; teach him to read Walter the Farting Dog and he’ll laugh for a lifetime.

*I should know. I did this to Max in ‘93 and am still laughing about it. 

All I Need to Know: Teenager Edition

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Parenting my Teenager

Stony silence is not acquiescence.

Don’t post somebody on social media without their consent, even if it’s a f***ing hilarious clip of her doing that Alanis Morisette impression with the yodeling. 

Life is tough, but it’s tougher when you’re at the mercy of someone who makes you listen to her ‘90’s Battle of the Boybands playlist while driving you to practice. 

Interdependence makes the world go ‘round. 

It’s possible to love someone and loathe to be on the same planet as them in the same five minutes. 

The path to independence is in fact littered with decent report cards and minimum wage 1040-EZs. 

There’s a time to speak up and a time to shut up. 

There are certain tales that are best left untold. 

If you want to discourage your teen from piercing her navel, get your own navel pierced. 

Even flipping someone off in traffic can be uncool if your mom does it enough. 

Nobody likes it when their mom does ab exercises on the front lawn of the high school while waiting for dismissal. 

Conscripting your best friend as a de facto therapist might not work out very well. 

The way your parents respond to your first romantic heartbreak is related to the way you will, for better or worse, try to soothe yourself through disappointments in your young adult life. 

“Bros before h**s” stopped being a thing in the last century. 

Gender does not determine the extent of a person’s inner life.

The “cooler” a high school teacher seems to be, the bigger the red flag. 

You can never explain the concept of consent too many times to someone, especially those under a certain age. 

If you want to see how long you can hold your breath, watch a movie’s sex scene with your parents.

All I Need to Know: Brother Edition

Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Having a Brother

Love is biting your popsicle in half and sharing it with someone who just rollerbladed over your bare toes by mistake.

You can be mad as hell at someone and still want to sleep in the same bed.

Bathroom humor is the glue that binds us all.

Ownership is a relative and fleeting thing.


There can be such a thing as "community" underwear.

Brotherly goodwill is more important than avoiding backwash in your Sprite.

There's a special place in hell for he who purposely occupies your favorite chair at the dinner table.

Peace on Earth begins in the home.

Existential FOMO takes root when someone close to you uses the red swing, the top bunk, and that one coveted pair of socks with the avocados on them.

Some people get away with everything.

The more older brothers you have, the greater the chances that your first spoken phrase will be, "the snake bited the man's penis!"

The only sanctioned type of bullying is of the (mild) sibling-on-sibling kind.

Leading by example means teaching someone all of your favorite swears.

An eye for an eye; a punch in the solar plexus for a balltap.

To err is human; to forgive is for the sister in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

A brother is a first friend, a best friend, and one of the few people who will take the time to wake up early with you to watch the trash truck.

All I Need To Know: Tween Girl Edition

All I Need To Know in Life I Learned From My Tween Daughter

When life gives you lemons, make lemon-zest slime.

Dance parties with friends should be a weekly affair.

It's okay to be sad that your friend voted for somebody gross, and that the two of you might never see eye-to-eye regarding politics.

If a boy is messing with you, ignore him. If that doesn't work, an elbow to the ribs may be called for.

Mean girls stink. Be compassionate and inclusive.

Climb every mountain; ride every roller coaster.

The sweetest Girl Scout cookie is the last one in the sleeve, the one you outran your brother for.

A girl with five brothers doesn't necessarily like being called a princess.

Jealousy and comparisons are a waste of everyone's energy; the time to love you for you is right now.

Smart is beautiful.

No matter how grown she gets, a girl needs her mom (or mom-figure) to be there for her.

All I Need to Know: Toddlers

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From Parenting my Toddler Son

Ask before giving someone a wet, sloppy kiss.

Happiness is a toy train in each hand.

When life gets intense, close your eyes, drop to the floor, and roll around like a log to confuse the offending party.

Being older doesn’t always mean that somebody is wiser or more mature.

Sharing is the most crucial social skill.

A sibling is a friend for life, but there is nothing worse than being chased by one.

Moms who pretend not to need naps are either lying about it or taking stimulants.

Everything is worse when you’re tired.

Everything is better when you're in a Batman costume and a pair of rain boots.

No matter how good the soap smells, it still tastes like soap.

You can never really make anyone do anything. (Well, you might be able to, but it probably won’t be pretty.)