Follow My Sorry Ass


Bad Parody

Parody to Get You Through that Carpool
A #Momlife Soundtrack

Tracks

Fam'ly Minivan-ah    (The Eagles)
Short Skirt / Long Stroller    (CAKE)
Carpool With Myself    (Billy Idol)
Where Have All the Sitters Gone?    (Paula Cole)
Holding Out for a Gyro (A Pregnancy Cravings Song)    (Bonnie Tyler)
Constant Laund'ring    (k.d. Lang)
Dairy-Farm Life  (A Breastfeeding Mom's Lament)   (Third Eye Blind)
Tearin' Up My House (A Song For my Sons)   (*NSYNC)
Knights in White Teslas (A Silicon Valley Song)   (The Moody Blues)
My Generator (A Dooner Song)   (The Who)
Smell Two Farts  (Sublime)
Clean it up (Teenage Version)  (The Laurie Berkner Band)

Coming Soon: Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Douchebags (Waylon & Willie)


Poems

Come, and Be My Nanny (A Poem to my Child's Preschool Teacher)  (Maya Angelou)






Fam'ly Minivan-ah
(To the tune of “Hotel California”; with apologies to The Eagles)









On a dark desert highway, warm wind in our hair
Stale smell of Doritos, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, we saw a shimmering light
Our heads grew heavy and our sight grew dim
We had to stop for the night
There we sat in the drive-thru;
We heard the Taco Bell
And we were thinking to ourselves,
"Seven-Eleven or Toxic Hell?"
Then Dad lit up a Maglite and he showed us the way
There were rodents living in our car,
Thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
Plenty of room in the fam’ly minivan-ah
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mom is definitely lazy, this ain’t no Mercedes Benz (UNH!)
We got a lotta greasy, greasy toys, creep out friends
How they dance in the vacuum, sweet Zhu Zhu Pets.
Come smell and surrender, half a milkshake forget

So we called up the Captain,
"Please heed me my whine"
She said, 'We haven't seen no Windex’d mirror since 1999'
And still those scavengers crawling not far away,
Wake you up in the middle of a nap
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
They livin' it up in the fam’ly minivan-ah
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Here’s a bag of fries

Ice cream on the ceiling,
Cheerios and rice
And we said 'We are all just passengers here, of our LATCH device'
And in the backseat chambers,
We gathered for the feast
They swab it with their steely wool,
But they just can't clean the beast

Last thing I remember, there were
donuts on the floor
Grandma said, 'We hafta get this upholstery back
To the state it was before'
'Relax,' said the Car Man,
'We are trained to remove goo.
You can pay us any sum you like,
But some stains never leave!'

_________________________________


Short Skirt / Long Stroller
(To the tune of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket", with apologies to CAKE)















I know a mom with a mind like a diaper
I know a mom who knows what's best
I know a mom with rear-view eyes
And a head that turns like a marionette’s

I know a mom with the kind approbations
Who's fast and thorough
And offers a snack
She's taking off her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's vacuuming the minivan
And sorting through crap

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnng stroller......

I know a mom who gets up early
I know a mom who stays up late
I know a mom with uninterrupted fecundity
Who’s used plastic cutlery to cut through red steak
With fingernails that she bites like crust-us
And a voice that is warm like a kitten’s nap
She is fast and thorough
And offers a snack
She's sanitizing the minivan
And throwing out crap

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnnng.... lonnng stroller

I know a mom with smooth gestations
I know a mom who eschews all trends
At Mom & Tot we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she ignores my split ends

She wants a ride with the cupholder car seats
She wants a ride that will get us there
She's changing her name from Karen to Curran
She's trading the Chrysler for a Nine-Person Suburban

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnnggggggggg stroller

———————————————



Carpool With Myself
(To the Tune of "Dancing With Myself”, with apologies to Billy Idol)
















With six kids awoke-io,
Down to the California schools we go, go
With the neighbors' rejection of this mirror's reflection
I've got to carpool with myself

There's no one else to honk the horn
On this chaotic, lonely morn'
No more school bus waitin', budget cuts in education
I'll have to carpool with myself

Ah, Oh, Oh-oh
Ah, Oh, Oh-oh

I must have asked all over the world
The moms of every boy and girl
But their too-tiny rides all seem to pass me by
And leave me carpool'n with myself

So let's raise a little stink
It shouldn't bring us moms to drink;
Husband and I discuss, I'll buy my own damned bus
I'd still be carpool’n with myself

Oh, Oh, Oh


_______________________________



Where Have All the Sitters Gone?
(To the tune of "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" with apologies to Paula Cole)




















Oh I'm getting ready
With my Venmo app steady
Why don't we go sit down in the shade?
Take shelter on my front porch
The dandylion sun scorching,
Sneak a can of hard lemonade?

I will do my laundry
If you just watch The Hills

Where is my Jo Frost;
Where is my stand-in mom?
Where is my Mary Poppins;
Where have all the sitters gone?

Why don't you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And you’ll fix a little something to eat
Oh I know your back hurts from working on your bachelor's
How 'bout you plug your phone in, my sweet?

I will raise my children
If you just watch The Hills

Where is my Jo Frost;
Where is my stand-in mom?
Where is my Mary Poppins; 
Where have all the sitters gone?

((Interlude, rhythmic arm-swinging))

I am texting you our plans that night
But you don't, but you don't even answer meeeee
Say goodnight
Say goodnight 
Say goodnight

We finally sell the kidney 
When we had another baby
And he took the job in Mojave
Makes spaceships from afar
And I storm us through the carpool
Every single day of the week

Chorus

I will wash my dishes
while you sit on your rear
Where is my Super Nan;
Where is her "Naughty” stun gun?
Where is my Alice Nelson;
Where have all the sitters gone?
Where have all the sitters gone?
Where have all the sitters gooooooone?

Yippee yi, yippee yay
Yippee yi, yippee yay
Yippee yi, yippee yay, yayay yay yay yeah


———————————



Holding Out For a Gyro 
(A Pregnancy Cravings Song)
(To the tune of “Holding Out For a Hero”, with apologies to Bonnie Tyler)


















Where has all the good bread gone
And where are those hot dogs?
Where’s the Ginger herbal teas
I needed just because?

And wasn’t there an Outback Steakhouse salad with crou-tons?
With spicy ranch and cucumbers and little veggie straws?

I need a gyro
I’m holding out for a gyro ‘till the end of the night
And it’s gotta be now, and it’s gotta be fast
And it’s gotta be fresh with a Sprite

I need a gyro
I’m holding out for a gyro ‘till the morning light
And I’m totally sure, and it’s gotta be fast
And it’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight 
In my wildest fantasy 
Somewhere, while I lay in bed—
My partner’s running out for me

Bracing for the plunder
And picking out those beets
Don’t wanna ache for lamb and tatziki 
'Till two or three
yeah

Chorus

_________________________________



Constant Laund’ring 
(To the tune of "Constant Craving", with apologies to k.d. Lang)



















Even through the darkest grays 
Mom slaves, next of kin
Always someone’s Frito-Lays
Here beneath his chin

And constant laund’ring has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls 
All clothes towards puke
Or maybe it is life itself 
Smears grass stains on our youth

Constant laund’ring has always been

A ha, constant laund’ring 
Has always been
Has always been

Laund’ring, ah ha!
Constant laund’ring has always been
Has always been 
Has always been
Has always been

______________________________________



Come, And Be My Nanny
(A poem to my child’s preschool teacher; with apologies to Maya Angelou)























The carpool is full of fast cars driving 
kids
With teachers working any job that’ll earn
Some people wrap their lives around a water polo coach’s roster
And we sit wondering 
What these kids are gonna learn. 
I got it. 
Come, and be my nanny. 

The preschool says that Arthur’s gonna potty train tomorrow 
But others say we’ve got a year or two
The laundry is full of every kind of skidmarked horror
And I sit wondering what I’m gonna do. 
I got it. 
Come, and be my nanny. 


--------------------------------------------------------



Dairy-Farm Life  (A Breastfeeding Mom's Lament)
(To the tune of "Semi-Charmed Life", with apologies to Third Eye Blind)


















Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo-moo Moo
Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo-moo Moo

Moo Moo Moo
Moo Moo-moo Moo...

I'm tapped and withholding
You're crying
You're growing emboldened
You live for milk, live for me, for the
lactation, there's no copulation
You latch down and go to town on me

And you make me wipe your spit-up for you
Whatever else I wanna do, every feeding cue
Keep on eatin' nipple beef stew
No stops for the breastfeeding choo-choo

And I sing to you while you load up your diaPERS
Grabbin' every lifeline, callin' a wet-nurse,
Topless like a peep show takes the stage
We get through this anxious pace today

I want something else to get me through this
Dairy-farm kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, you're not listening when I say
Good-night

Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo
Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo
Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo
Moo moo moo

Your latch was good, you were close
But you coughed drips of it through your nose, 
And I wish your other par ent breast fed
Just dead tired but some pictures we should take
Searchin' Pinterest birthday parties scrollin' till you wake

It won't stop, you won't calm down the damn clock
With its tick-tock rhythm, to pump just a drop
And then I pumped more, you took the bit that you were given
And I pumped again, then you burped again
I said

How about you lay down in that crib and I fall asleep beside you?
How do I get myself back to, placenta you fed?

I want something else to get me through this
Dairy-farm kinda life, baby, baby
I want something else, you're not listening when I say
Good-night

———————————-


Tearin’ Up My House  (A Song to My Sons)
(To the tune of “Tearin’ Up My Heart”, with apologies to *NSYNC)











You’re tearin’ up my house when I’m with you
But when we are apart, I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Hey, yeah!

Baby I don’t understand 
The energy of brothers 
Things are getting out of hand 
Tryin’ too much but maybe I can’t win

Let it go
If you clean it now it won’t show
I am down on my knees 
I can’t take it anymore 

You’re tearin’ up my house when I’m with you
But when we are apart I feel it too
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you

Tearin’ up my car and soul
Making me love birth control 
And no matter what I do, I feel the pain
With or without you


-----------------------------------------------------------------




Knights in White Teslas:  A Silicon Valley Song 
(To the tune of "Nights in White Satin", with apologies to The Moody Blues)





Knights in white Teslas
Never reaching the end
Emails I've written
Never meaning to send

Ventures I'd always missed
With these eyes before
Just what the point is
I can't say anymore

'Cause I love Tech
Yes I love Tech
Oh, how I love Tech
Oh, how I love Tech

Gazing at platforms
Some make demands
Just what I'm going through
They can't understand

Some try to sell me
Start-ups they can't defend
People you don't want to be
You will be in the end

And I love Tech
Yes I love Tech
Oh, how I love Tech
Oh, how I love Tech


-----------------------


My Generator (A Dooner Song)
(To the tune of "My Generation", with apologies to The Who) 


Power comp'ny hates my town  (talkin' bout my generator)
Just because these trees blow down  (talkin' bout my generator)
PGE, they're awful bold  (talkin' bout my generator)
I hope I die before my billfold  (talkin' bout my generator)

Lovin' my generator, baby
Lovin' my generator, baby

While don't we all b-break away,  (talkin' bout my generator)
Drop off that grid, what you all s-s-s-say?  (talkin' bout my generator)
Powerwall earns a big r-r-rebate-er   (talkin' bout my generator)
I'm just talkin' bout my g-g-generator  (talkin' bout my generator)

My generator
Lovin' my generator, baby

We WON'T all just m-m-move away  (talkin' bout my generator)
Don't you h-hear what we all s-s-say?  (talkin' bout my generator)
I'm not tryin' to start a big d-d-debate-er  (talkin' bout my generator)
I'm just talkin' bout my g-g-generator  (talkin' bout my generator)

This is my generator
This is my generator, baby
My my my generator!


-----------------------


Smell Two Farts  (To the tune of "Smoke Two Joints", with apologies to Sublime)















She was living in a single home with seven other individuals.
Six of them were male and the other one;
Well, the other one was female.
G-d only knows what they were eating in there.
And furthermore Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn
That all eight of them could register 7.4 on the Rectum scale.  Rippers.

I smell two farts in the morning,
I smell two farts at night,
I smell two farts in the afternoon,
My head it feels so light.

I smell two farts in time of peace,
And two in time of war;
I smell two farts before I smell two farts,
And then I smell two more.

Broke busting @ss 'till the day she cried
Took a big whiff of her beefing familia
Smoke-bottom blast 'till the day she died
Toke a big spliff of some brown bean fajitas
(Breezy B were ya ever not rippin'?)
Hell no!

Daddy, he was told them
Sons, "Don't be butt burpin', man"
And Mama, she once told those
Sons, "Squeeze cheek the best you can"
But then one day I met a man,
He came to me and said,
"Crack @ss good, and crack @ss hard,
But just don't sh*t the bed!"

Whoa, rock me tonight,
Whoa-oh Jah say,
Ohhhhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhh

———————-


Clean it up  (Teenager Version) 

*parents marching gleefully, picking up dishes off teen’s desk*

Clean it up, what the f*ck?
No it won’t be fun to do,
And of course you’ll hate it too


*teenagers magically start to take cues from parents, marching to the beat and picking up the stuff from the floor of their filthy room*

Clean it up, what the f*ck?
And put it away, put sh*t away
Put your sh*t away!




































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