Bad Parody

Parody to Get You Through that Carpool

A #Momlife Soundtrack

Tracks

Fam'ly Minivan-ah    (The Eagles)

Short Skirt / Long Stroller    (CAKE)

Carpool With Myself    (Billy Idol)

Where Have All the Sitters Gone?    (Paula Cole)

Holding Out for a Gyro (A Pregnancy Cravings Song)    (Bonnie Tyler)

Constant Laund'ring    (k.d. Lang)

Dairy-Farm Life  (A Breastfeeding Mom's Lament)   (Third Eye Blind)

Tearin' Up My House (A Song For my Sons)   (*NSYNC)

Knights in White Teslas (A Silicon Valley Song)   (The Moody Blues)

My Generator (A Dooner Song)   (The Who)

Smell Two Farts  (Sublime)

Clean it up (Teenage Version)  (The Laurie Berkner Band)

Coming Soon: Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Douchebags (Waylon & Willie)

Poems

Come, and Be My Nanny (A Poem to my Child's Preschool Teacher)  (Maya Angelou)

Fam'ly Minivan-ah
(To the tune of “Hotel California”; with apologies to The Eagles)

On a dark desert highway, warm wind in our hair

Stale smell of Doritos, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, we saw a shimmering light
Our heads grew heavy and our sight grew dim
We had to stop for the night
There we sat in the drive-thru;
We heard the Taco Bell
And we were thinking to ourselves,
"Seven-Eleven or Toxic Hell?"
Then Dad lit up a Maglite and he showed us the way
There were rodents living in our car,
Thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
Plenty of room in the fam’ly minivan-ah
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mom is definitely lazy, this ain’t no Mercedes Benz (UNH!)
We got a lotta greasy, greasy toys, creep out friends
How they dance in the vacuum, sweet Zhu Zhu Pets.
Come smell and surrender, half a milkshake forget

So we called up the Captain,
"Please heed me my whine"
She said, 'We haven't seen no Windex’d mirror since 1999'
And still those scavengers crawling not far away,
Wake you up in the middle of a nap
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
They livin' it up in the fam’ly minivan-ah
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Here’s a bag of fries

Ice cream on the ceiling,
Cheerios and rice
And we said 'We are all just passengers here, of our LATCH device'
And in the backseat chambers,
We gathered for the feast
They swab it with their steely wool,
But they just can't clean the beast

Last thing I remember, there were
donuts on the floor
Grandma said, 'We hafta get this upholstery back
To the state it was before'
'Relax,' said the Car Man,
'We are trained to remove goo.
You can pay us any sum you like,
But some stains never leave!'

_________________________________

Short Skirt / Long Stroller
(To the tune of "Short Skirt/Long Jacket", with apologies to CAKE)

I know a mom with a mind like a diaper
I know a mom who knows what's best
I know a mom with rear-view eyes
And a head that turns like a marionette’s

I know a mom with the kind approbations
Who's fast and thorough
And offers a snack
She's taking off her jewelry
She's putting up her hair
She's vacuuming the minivan
And sorting through crap

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnng stroller......

I know a mom who gets up early
I know a mom who stays up late
I know a mom with uninterrupted fecundity
Who’s used plastic cutlery to cut through red steak
With fingernails that she bites like crust-us
And a voice that is warm like a kitten’s nap
She is fast and thorough
And offers a snack
She's sanitizing the minivan
And throwing out crap

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnnng.... lonnng stroller

I know a mom with smooth gestations
I know a mom who eschews all trends
At Mom & Tot we will meet accidentally
We'll start to talk when she ignores my split ends

She wants a ride with the cupholder car seats
She wants a ride that will get us there
She's changing her name from Karen to Curran
She's trading the Chrysler for a Nine-Person Suburban

I know a mom with a short skirt and a lonnnnggggggggg stroller

———————————————

Carpool With Myself

(To the Tune of "Dancing With Myself”, with apologies to Billy Idol)

With six kids awoke-io,

Down to the California schools we go, go

With the neighbors' rejection of this mirror's reflection

I've got to carpool with myself

There's no one else to honk the horn

On this chaotic, lonely morn'

No more school bus waitin', budget cuts in education

I'll have to carpool with myself

Ah, Oh, Oh-oh

Ah, Oh, Oh-oh

I must have asked all over the world

The moms of every boy and girl

But their too-tiny rides all seem to pass me by

And leave me carpool'n with myself

So let's raise a little stink

It shouldn't bring us moms to drink;

Husband and I discuss, I'll buy my own damned bus

I'd still be carpool’n with myself

Oh, Oh, Oh

_______________________________

Where Have All the Sitters Gone?

(To the tune of "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" with apologies to Paula Cole)

Oh I'm getting ready

With my Venmo app steady

Why don't we go sit down in the shade?

Take shelter on my front porch

The dandylion sun scorching,

Sneak a can of hard lemonade?

I will do my laundry

If you just watch The Hills

Where is my Jo Frost;

Where is my stand-in mom?

Where is my Mary Poppins;

Where have all the sitters gone?

Why don't you stay the evening

Kick back and watch the TV

And you’ll fix a little something to eat

Oh I know your back hurts from working on your bachelor's

How 'bout you plug your phone in, my sweet?

I will raise my children

If you just watch The Hills

Where is my Jo Frost;

Where is my stand-in mom?

Where is my Mary Poppins; 

Where have all the sitters gone?

((Interlude, rhythmic arm-swinging))

I am texting you our plans that night

But you don't, but you don't even answer meeeee

Say goodnight

Say goodnight 

Say goodnight

We finally sell the kidney 

When we had another baby

And he took the job in Mojave

Makes spaceships from afar

And I storm us through the carpool

Every single day of the week

Chorus

I will wash my dishes

while you sit on your rear

Where is my Super Nan;

Where is her "Naughty” stun gun?

Where is my Alice Nelson;

Where have all the sitters gone?

Where have all the sitters gone?

Where have all the sitters gooooooone?

Yippee yi, yippee yay

Yippee yi, yippee yay

Yippee yi, yippee yay, yayay yay yay yeah

———————————

Holding Out For a Gyro 

(A Pregnancy Cravings Song)

(To the tune of “Holding Out For a Hero”, with apologies to Bonnie Tyler)

Where has all the good bread gone

And where are those hot dogs?

Where’s the Ginger herbal teas

I needed just because?

And wasn’t there an Outback Steakhouse salad with crou-tons?

With spicy ranch and cucumbers and little veggie straws?

I need a gyro

I’m holding out for a gyro ‘till the end of the night

And it’s gotta be now, and it’s gotta be fast

And it’s gotta be fresh with a Sprite

I need a gyro

I’m holding out for a gyro ‘till the morning light

And I’m totally sure, and it’s gotta be fast

And it’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight 

In my wildest fantasy 

Somewhere, while I lay in bed—

My partner’s running out for me

Bracing for the plunder

And picking out those beets

Don’t wanna ache for lamb and tatziki 

'Till two or three

yeah

Chorus

_________________________________

Constant Laund’ring 

(To the tune of "Constant Craving", with apologies to k.d. Lang)

Even through the darkest grays 

Mom slaves, next of kin

Always someone’s Frito-Lays

Here beneath his chin

And constant laund’ring has always been

Maybe a great magnet pulls 

All clothes towards puke

Or maybe it is life itself 

Smears grass stains on our youth

Constant laund’ring has always been

A ha, constant laund’ring 

Has always been

Has always been

Laund’ring, ah ha!

Constant laund’ring has always been

Has always been 

Has always been

Has always been

______________________________________

Come, And Be My Nanny

(A poem to my child’s preschool teacher; with apologies to Maya Angelou)

The carpool is full of fast cars driving 

kids

With teachers working any job that’ll earn

Some people wrap their lives around a water polo coach’s roster

And we sit wondering 

What these kids are gonna learn. 

I got it. 

Come, and be my nanny. 

The preschool says that Arthur’s gonna potty train tomorrow 

But others say we’ve got a year or two

The laundry is full of every kind of skidmarked horror

And I sit wondering what I’m gonna do. 

I got it. 

Come, and be my nanny. 

--------------------------------------------------------

Dairy-Farm Life  (A Breastfeeding Mom's Lament)

(To the tune of "Semi-Charmed Life", with apologies to Third Eye Blind)

Moo Moo Moo

Moo Moo-moo Moo

Moo Moo Moo

Moo Moo-moo Moo

Moo Moo Moo

Moo Moo-moo Moo...

I'm tapped and withholding

You're crying

You're growing emboldened

You live for milk, live for me, for the

lactation, there's no copulation

You latch down and go to town on me

And you make me wipe your spit-up for you

Whatever else I wanna do, every feeding cue

Keep on eatin' nipple beef stew

No stops for the breastfeeding choo-choo

And I sing to you while you load up your diaPERS

Grabbin' every lifeline, callin' a wet-nurse,

Topless like a peep show takes the stage

We get through this anxious pace today

I want something else to get me through this

Dairy-farm kinda life, baby, baby

I want something else, you're not listening when I say

Good-night

Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo

Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo

Moo moo moo, moo moo-moo moo

Moo moo moo

Your latch was good, you were close

But you coughed drips of it through your nose, 

And I wish your other par ent breast fed

Just dead tired but some pictures we should take

Searchin' Pinterest birthday parties scrollin' till you wake

It won't stop, you won't calm down the damn clock

With its tick-tock rhythm, to pump just a drop

And then I pumped more, you took the bit that you were given

And I pumped again, then you burped again

I said

How about you lay down in that crib and I fall asleep beside you?

How do I get myself back to, placenta you fed?

I want something else to get me through this

Dairy-farm kinda life, baby, baby

I want something else, you're not listening when I say

Good-night

———————————-

Tearin’ Up My House  (A Song to My Sons)

(To the tune of “Tearin’ Up My Heart”, with apologies to *NSYNC)

You’re tearin’ up my house when I’m with you

But when we are apart, I feel it too

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain

With or without you

Hey, yeah!

Baby I don’t understand 

The energy of brothers 

Things are getting out of hand 

Tryin’ too much but maybe I can’t win

Let it go

If you clean it now it won’t show

I am down on my knees 

I can’t take it anymore 

You’re tearin’ up my house when I’m with you

But when we are apart I feel it too

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain

With or without you

Tearin’ up my car and soul

Making me love birth control 

And no matter what I do, I feel the pain

With or without you

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Knights in White Teslas:  A Silicon Valley Song 

(To the tune of "Nights in White Satin", with apologies to The Moody Blues)

Knights in white Teslas

Never reaching the end

Emails I've written

Never meaning to send

Ventures I'd always missed

With these eyes before

Just what the point is

I can't say anymore

'Cause I love Tech

Yes I love Tech

Oh, how I love Tech

Oh, how I love Tech

Gazing at platforms

Some make demands

Just what I'm going through

They can't understand

Some try to sell me

Start-ups they can't defend

People you don't want to be

You will be in the end

And I love Tech

Yes I love Tech

Oh, how I love Tech

Oh, how I love Tech

-----------------------

My Generator (A Dooner Song)

(To the tune of "My Generation", with apologies to The Who) 

Power comp'ny hates my town  (talkin' bout my generator)

Just because these trees blow down  (talkin' bout my generator)

PGE, they're awful bold  (talkin' bout my generator)

I hope I die before my billfold  (talkin' bout my generator)

Lovin' my generator, baby

Lovin' my generator, baby

While don't we all b-break away,  (talkin' bout my generator)

Drop off that grid, what you all s-s-s-say?  (talkin' bout my generator)

Powerwall earns a big r-r-rebate-er   (talkin' bout my generator)

I'm just talkin' bout my g-g-generator  (talkin' bout my generator)

My generator

Lovin' my generator, baby

We WON'T all just m-m-move away  (talkin' bout my generator)

Don't you h-hear what we all s-s-say?  (talkin' bout my generator)

I'm not tryin' to start a big d-d-debate-er  (talkin' bout my generator)

I'm just talkin' bout my g-g-generator  (talkin' bout my generator)

This is my generator

This is my generator, baby

My my my generator!

-----------------------

Smell Two Farts  (To the tune of "Smoke Two Joints", with apologies to Sublime)

Image credit

She was living in a single home with seven other individuals.

Six of them were male and the other one;

Well, the other one was female.

G-d only knows what they were eating in there.

And furthermore Susan, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to learn

That all eight of them could register 7.4 on the Rectum scale.  Rippers.

I smell two farts in the morning,

I smell two farts at night,

I smell two farts in the afternoon,

My head it feels so light.

I smell two farts in time of peace,

And two in time of war;

I smell two farts before I smell two farts,

And then I smell two more.

Broke busting @ss 'till the day she cried

Took a big whiff of her beefing familia

Smoke-bottom blast 'till the day she died

Toke a big spliff of some brown bean fajitas

(Breezy B were ya ever not rippin'?)

Hell no!

Daddy, he was told them

Sons, "Don't be butt burpin', man"

And Mama, she once told those

Sons, "Squeeze cheek the best you can"

But then one day I met a man,

He came to me and said,

"Crack @ss good, and crack @ss hard,

But just don't sh*t the bed!"

Whoa, rock me tonight,

Whoa-oh Jah say,

Ohhhhh ohhh ohhh ohhhhhh

———————-

Clean it up  (Teenager Version) 

*parents marching gleefully, picking up dishes off teen’s desk*

Clean it up, what the f*ck?

No it won’t be fun to do,

And of course you’ll hate it too

*teenagers magically start to take cues from parents, marching to the beat and picking up the stuff from the floor of their filthy room*

Clean it up, what the f*ck?

And put it away, put sh*t away

Put your sh*t away!