Follow My Sorry Ass

Recipes & Other Ill Sh*t

In Which I Pretend to be Martha Stewart Even Though I am Hella Not.

Fruit Frosty

I started making this smoothie when there was suddenly a huge void in my life as a result of having to go gluten-free for medical reasons.  In case you are wondering, a gluten-free existence blows my fat @sshole.


~2 cups frozen sweet cherries
One peeled banana (the greener the better)
~1/2 cup frozen strawberries
A tiny splash of milk

Throw into blender and blend in spurts, stopping to stir with a wooden spoon when the blender gets bogged down.  This will take between 3-5 bouts of blending/grinding.  It will be annoying and hard to blend because the idea is to make it as thick as the blender will tolerate--Wendy's Frosty-like consistency or thicker!  Stick with it.  If you add too much milk just so you can get it all to blend, don't worry--it's still good if you can drink it with a straw.  

Serve with a spoon.

Take a selfie with it and post to Facebook (duh) with these suggested hashtags:

Stupid Breakfasts You'll Eat Every Day When You Can't Eat G-ddamn Bagels, Waffles, Toast, Cinnamon Rolls, Cereal, Croissants, Pancakes, or Anything Good Anymore

Presented without comment, other than a friendly reminder that gluten-free life sucks.

Sliced apples with smears of peanut butter on their sides--don't forget the baby wipes as you eat these out of a plastic bowl while storming through the carpool lane.  

Eggs, but who has time for that sh*t during the week?

Bananas or raisins in that stupid oatmeal that's healthy or something.  Bob's Red Mill.  That's the one.

Pair any of these breakfasts with a stainless tumbler of green tea (iced down, because you're trying to hang onto the same joyous sensory experience of McDonald's fountain coke, which you're quitting for good this time).

Long sigh.

Coming Soon:
A recipe for an absurdly good (even though it’s vegan) chocolate cake with frosting made from an avocado--yeah, really--by Sandy Saso Holmes.

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