Follow My Sorry Ass

From the Mouths of Babes


Will, age 4

Will:  Who made God?  And what's He made of?
Me:  Umm...  well, what do you think about that?
Will: plastic?
James: love.
Elise: sticks!

"Act like you're in the lie barry." -George, telling someone to be quiet

“Here’s a message for you.” -Elise, handing me a Post-it note with a booger on it

“Elise, if you don’t stop poking me, I’m telling God!” -Will

"So, the Grinch doesn't have a penis or buttcheeks?"  

"Mom!  Will peed off the top bunk onto the bottom bunk!"  -James

“I have a headache from holding in all of my farts.” 

Will (4) and James (5)

Elise, age 3

"Mama, the bee told me his bee secret.  He told me in my ear and it didn't even hurt!"  -Elise

"I think I would like to be a Great White Shark.  Then I could eat seals and sea lions."  -James

“I want a new grandma!” -Will, when my mom wouldn’t let him play with a pile of rusty nails

"I hate you more than [outer] space, more than....MORE space.  Even when I'm happy again, I'll still hate you!"  -Elise, during her time-out

"I am eating boogers.  They are tasting good."  -James

“Why is that your face?” -Elise, when I bothered to put makeup on for a date night

“I love you not-as-much-as-Dad, because well, you just look a little funny.” -Elise

“Is it p***ing you off?”  -Zach, trying to empathize as I was having issues ordering in the drive-thru

“Why is it so f***ing windy?” -Zach, on a blustery day

"Asses. asses. we all fall down" -Kid at Arthur's preschool, who must’ve been talking about my Beginner Yoga class at the Y

“C**k Show…” -my friend’s kid, trying to pronounce “Costco”

“Time to go in Old Lady” -George, en route to the Saratoga Old Navy

“Daddy has a penis, I have a penis, and Mommy has…a lasagna.”  
-my friend’s kid

“Kitty, don’t go outside. It’s very dangerous.”  -Arthur 

“I finish my homework, Mom.” -Arthur, showing me a paper with an orange marker scribble 

“And then, the balloon said, “Pop!”  -Arthur 

"Some lommy"  -Arthur, trying to say 'salami'

"It smells like stinks in here."  -Arthur

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