Follow My Sorry Ass

Gratuitously Graphic Birth Stories

For those of us who are into this sort of thing

Our six kids were all born in hospitals, with no holds barred on pain relief, and with only those present at the conception in attendance (other than doctors and nurses). Three were born before the vasectomy, and three after the reversal—all are “ours” with each other.

James and Will were born 13.5
months apart.

In the interest of this not being twenty pages long, rather than using prose to tell the stories I’m making a gory-ass blurb of keywords and phrases.

1.  James:  Parents Still Babies Themselves 

James Daniel

Living in a one-bedroom apartment due to parents-to-be being 21 and 23 years old; one old shitty car between the two of us; baby daddy/future husband suddenly has WHOL (with vomiting from the pain) after starting stressful new job and it's suggested that maybe he had a minor stroke (!!!)—sleeping it off when labor starts; Baby-friendly certified hospital; GBS; walking the hallways during contractions; 21 hours of labor before I cave and get the epidural; vomiting during transition; baby daddy cries tears of relief when I get the epidural; 5 more hours until he makes an entrance; baby born on due date; baby daddy in state of shock over being a father; sleep deprivation and ritual @ss-wiping commences, and ((*Spoiler Alert*)) does not stop for the next 17 years due to the eventual size of our family.

2.  Will:  Daddy Grows Boobies Before the Birth

William Joseph

Baby Daddy proposes to Baby Mama during the pregnancy; she says, "I thought you'd never ask"; Daddy goes to friend's bachelor party a few weeks before the birth, mysteriously returns home with "breasts", mom nervously Googles "couvade syndrome boyfriend"; very self-conscious, forced to go to the doctor by worried Baby Mama, Daddy undergoes mammogram (!!!) in case he were to have IBC, false alarm: he'd smoked a little pot at the party and had some kind of hormonal reaction but never bothered to tell the doctor that, even when asked point-blank; baby mama is pissed; party's over & he never does that again.  Nurse practitioner who saw daddy advises us to stop having kids because apparently Joe is stressed (hahaha nope); water breaks at 39w when cousin is over; cousin (who happened to be visiting from MI) ends up watching big sibling for several days; mom is starving & hits up the Carl's Jr drive-thru on the way to the hospital; mom eats two more trays of food before induction; GBS; induction with pitocin; labor stalls out; 12h of labor; epidural (no-brainer); Play-doh poop factory; Mom asks, "Am I sh*tting right now?"; nurses diplomatically lie; baby comes out; parents realize how tired they're about to be; two children under 14 months of age; toddler big brother runs around the hospital; baby has long "rabbit feet"; postpartum hemorrhage due to retained chunk of placenta.

Everyone tired AF.  Double stroller.  Mom starts reading Julie Robichaux's infertility blog so that she can keep her good fortune in perspective.

3.  Elise:  The Girl

Elise Marie

'This is going to be our last baby!"; first time hiring a postpartum doula, which turns out to be an excellent call; first breech-at-term experience; nervous at the possibility of C-section; ECV at 37w, baby flip-turns back into breech; GBS; repeat ECV at 39w, where doctor almost gives up due to exhaustion and perseveres after I ask her for "one last try" (!!!); success!  immediate induction; epidural; no C-section; baby comes out and can freakishly fold herself in half to put her legs behind her head; mom only makes it two months on the breastfeeding front; kids are 2.5, 1.5, and infant; daddy has a vasectomy when baby is three months old.

Everyone even tireder.  Double stroller plus Moby wrap.  Trips to the mall playplace to burn off toddlers' boundless energy so Mom can sit still with baby.

Mom should’ve had more fun w/ girly baby outfits but was tired and had no idea how quickly daughter would reject cute dresses.

4.  Zach:  Too Exciting of a Birth Story

Zachary Allan

Vasectomy reversal surgery (highly successful).  Immediate pregnancy.  Unprecedented amounts of barfing.  Cholestasis (ICP); breech presentation at term; ECV, baby successfully turned head-down by the doctor due to my having a uterus that’s all stretched out like an old sweat sock from parity; August induction scheduled at 36w at large academic medical center (read: inexperienced residents in charge); GBS; epidural (duh), which ends up not being a good one due to my scoliosis; foley “balloon” thing that’s apparently very abrasive to my cervix; subsequent hemorrhage during late stage of labor; buckets of blood; hands WAY inside my body; euphemistic “code” where the doctor pages overhead and says, “we need a nurse in here”, somehow I manage not to panic; about six doctors come running into the room; husband turns ghastly white, almost passes out, and has to sit down twice on the “dad bed”; Play-doh poop factory; baby comes out without further incident; proud father-of-four calls Aunt Kay and goes out of his way to remark on Play-doh poop factory, which after three prior deliveries should have lost its novelty by now; mandatory debriefing session within medical team that was on staff at the time; passive aggressive suggestions from young residents, of getting me on birth control again immediately; super cute baby that I’m still surprised came out of me.

And ultimately, case study regarding sh*t that can go wrong with that stupid induction balloon.

5.  George:  "I'm Here to Live Out Loud"

George Thomas (with James)

Mom is officially a Grand Multipara; induction at 35w due to severe Cholestasis (again) w/ itching that causes bruising; breech at near term but turns head-down spontaneously at the last minute; GBS; induction w/ pitocin in gigantic birth suite; case study with induction balloon is mentioned & it's discovered that it was actually us; pudding and pellet ice for mom; baby not breathing when he comes out, whisked away to NICU; doctors mention that baby may eventually have speech issues due to being mildly oxygen-deprived for first minute of life (does not really turn out that way); NICU nurses are afraid mom has abandoned baby at hospital but it's just that there're four other kids at home and it's a long trip on the 405; Grandpa Tom rocks baby in NICU; mom spends as much time as possible w/ baby; baby is blonder than a white rabbit; breastfeeding goes off without a hitch, despite being "late preterm" gestation; older kids visit baby in NICU; baby goes home after six days.

We're supposedly done having kids.  Again.

6.  Arthur:  A Near Catastrophe of a Birth Story

Arthur Niels

Dad freaks out upon hearing wife is pregnant again, takes several months to recover emotionally; living in rented houses before finally finding one to buy in housing-shortage area; family moves to rural mountain town where there is not so much as a grocery store; Mom power-pukes and pees her pants by the side of the road and this is the neighbors' introduction to her; Mom incapacitated by nausea and vomiting; Mom gets depressed and doesn't get some of her prenatal testing done on time; providers advise her to go to academic medicine due to prior pregnancy complications; mom doesn't want to sit in that kind of Bay Area traffic for every appointment and opts for the local providers instead; BP on the high end of normal; Cholestasis again; itchy as F*** for at least two months before induction; mom begs unsuccessfully to be induced earlier; GBS; ECV in the hospital at 36 weeks w/ sublingual nitro; baby is successfully turned head down; baby decides to flip back into breech at the last second, repeat ECV, successful; epidural that ends up being half-effective; pitocin induction; baby's vitals drop and has to be vacuum extracted out of mom; baby ominously doesn't cry.  Baby suddenly struggles to breathe at 6 hours old; baby whisked away to NICU and intubated due to RD and infection; baby goes septic; baby in NICU for 11 days.  Baby recovers fully w/ broad spectrum antibiotics.

Mom has to stay at hospital and room in for two weeks.  Mom's BP soars to 180/something after she eats two Krispy Kremes; sees stars, postpartum pre-eclampsia.  Magnesium sulfate, no seizures. Breastfeeding takes a hit, can't keep up with pumping.  Formula feeding, which is fine.  Baby not gaining well; needs feeding OT.  Dad threatens to literally run down the street screaming if we get pregnant again.

Baby enters a "Cute Baby" photo contest and gets runner-up.  Totally should have won.

Mom still has aspirations of becoming a Great Grand Multipara one day but decides she doesn’t really want to die peripartum. No. Moar. Babies; Mom is all done pushing her luck.

The End.

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