Follow My Sorry Ass

Sunday, March 6, 2022

Throwback: Baby George Birth Plan

August 15, 2015

Dear Healthcare Providers,
As the induction date for our fifth child approaches, I have developed with the help of my husband some specific preferences about the birth. I trust that, as I have had a rather complicated and difficult pregnancy, my wishes will be adhered to explicitly and, if need be, at the expense of other patients on the floor.

Part I: Lighting and Private Birth Suite Logistics

Although early to mid-September is a high-traffic time in the labor and delivery department of [Large Academic Medical Center], due to other people being totally f***ing annoying the general vicinity of L&D will be cleared of all other actively-laboring patients for the duration of my stay. Patients may be admitted and discharged in other wings of the same floor, however.
I will also require dim lighting in the event that any medical personnel look at me or any part of my person for any reason. A special interior light dimmer switch may need to be installed, but these can be found inexpensively at Lowe's for $12.87 as of this writing.

Part II: Ambient Music

The following four songs will be played on loop (in the following order), at approximately 80 decibels so that the baby can effectively differentiate the lyrics in utero:

-Ramblin' Man (The Allman Brothers Band)
-Every Breath You Take (The Police)
-Hey Ya! (Outkast)
-Wrecking Ball (Miley Cyrus)

If at any time the above music loop is interrupted, my cousin Doug Chaffee will need to be reached immediately via Skype for a live, A Capella rendition of Heat of the Moment by ASIA.

If for some reason Doug is unable or unwilling to assist, my Uncle Glenn Miller's {preferably pre-recorded) voice singing Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon will suffice.

Part III: Pudding

Pudding (chocolate) and crushed ice (the cylindrical kind that is easy to chew) will be freely available at all times.

Part IV: Modified Lotus Birth
My husband will sever the umbilical cord NO SOONER than 36 hours following the birth, using a series of well-placed aerospace-grade zip ties and an heirloom samurai sword. At that point, the detached umbilical tissue will be collected, combined with herbs in a gallon-sized Ziplock-type bag, and sealed in order to make umbilical cord jerky that we will enjoy on the baby's 3rd birthday.

The circumcision will be performed to the particulars of the 10-page addendum (see attached).

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