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Sunday, January 19, 2014

MORE Things My Children Are Never Allowed to Watch (And Why)

Sam & Cat:   My not-quite-seven-year-old daughter has adopted protagonist Cat Valentine's annoying, overly-breathy voice and insipid persona for everyday use.  Also, why should two eighth-graders be living by themselves?

Rabbids Invasion:  Because it isn't nice to laugh at the frustrated, speech-delayed bunnies.

Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat (2003):  A bastardization of a classic in children's literature.  And WTF is going on with your creepy, botoxed cat face in this movie, Mike Myers?

Dr. Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000):  Same reasons as above, but it's Jim Carrey in Grinchface for this one.  Woulda been better if it were just Carrey's own Grinchy facial expressions, without the latex joker jowls.  Also, G-d dammit, Cindy Lou Who is supposed to be aged 2, not 6.  You just don't mess with a masterpiece.  Ted Geisel might have appreciated the Martha May Whovier sidestory, though.

Sid The Science Kid:  Too inane for even its 3-5 year old target audience.  Something awry with Teacher Susie's eyes.  Unintentionally hilarious explanation of food decomposition in episode entitled, "It's Not Scary, It's Decayed" (

Sanjay and Craig:  I'm from the Ren & Stimpy era of kid TV shows, and I still find this show to have a disgustingly large amount of vomit humor (not that a bit of well-placed vomit humor is necessarily a terrible thing, but snake-vom shouldn't be a recurring gag).   Not sure what the deal is with "Baby" Richard.

Annoying Orange:  Reasons too obvious to list here.

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