Trash Talk

"I should be a chameleon someday.  No, Canadian?  Comedian!"  -James

"Boom!  Go tell THAT to all of your friends!"  -Will, during an argument with Elise

"Trash!"  -Zach, throwing anything he finds into the trash

Celebrity Babies: Renamed

Ok, so I haven't blogged in awhile.  Since before Halloween, to be exact.

The reason?  We've been pretty busy.  Haven't even had time to put the kids' Halloween pictures or Thanksgiving pictures or funny quotes up, or much of anything, really.

But there is an urgent matter that needs my words of wisdom: the name of the newest Kardashian baby.

Do you ever hear a name someone (usually a famous person) has recently bestowed upon an innocent babe and wistfully imagine renaming him or her?  I do, because I am an elitest name-nerd jerk, and I demand that the names of celebrities' children be matched in terms of style and aesthetics.  Mason, Penelope, and.....Reign?  No, no, no [shakes head slowly].

Here is what they should have named him:  Royal (nickname: Roy).  Royal Disick.  Royal, Pain-in-the-Aston, Disick.  Get it?

But seriously, I think Reign Aston is quite lame, especially next to the down-to-earth names of his siblings.  I think something like Beau (not Reign Beau!) would have been less bombastic, but nobody asked me, unfortunately.

Speaking of "nobody asked me", here are a few other insipid celebrity baby names, revised and updated for your name-nerding pleasure....

Wyatt Isabelle
Autry Abilene

Rainbow Aurora
Aurora Mariel

Cash Van
Dashiell Van

That's all I can think of for now.

THAT Guy

"'Cause you're a guy, 'cause you're a guy, full of farts.  That's a dis-compliment." -Will, singing to the tune of Coldplay's A Sky Full of Stars and directing said-lyrics at his older brother

"THAT guy!"  -Zach, when he looks in the mirror and points at himself

"Excuse me, WHY are we reading this?"  -James, interrupting me as I read a particularly graphic scene from Julie of the Wolves, wherein the adult wolves regurgitate their meat for the newly-weaned juveniles

"I told you a million times: a zombie cheerleader."  -Elise, when asked about her Halloween costume plans

--

I've already got my most authentic Halloween zombie accessory: a real-live "ouch" from parathyroidectomy #2.

Happy Very-Belated, To My Secondborn

Will is nine.  Wowsa!

Here's a pic of when we brought him home...

....and here's a pic of the birthday boy now.

Happy Belated, To My Fourthborn

Zachy turned one about a week ago.  He also had his first day of Mom & Tot preschool today.  The highlights:

-Standing independently at the easel (though he still requested the help of my index fingers to walk around)
-Painting at the easel
-Eating paint at the easel
-Circle time with hand puppets
-Snack, during which he sat in an actual, tiny CHAIR (not a booster or high chair!)

It's unreal how quickly the time is going.

Baby Name Stories: Our Kids

I went through the scrapbooks to dig up these pics of the kids and remember the stories of how we picked their names.  I am too lazy to dig through all the old hard drives for digital copies, but I wanted to respond to a new name blogger's query through nameberry. 

How They Were Named

James Daniel B. was the name of Joe's paternal grandpa.  James is also my dad's middle name.  When Joe first suggested we name our son James, I was not enthused.  James was also the name of a child I knew when I was growing up; that James was an oddball homeschooled kid stereotype and once stuck green M&M's up his nose.  But now I am so glad we named him James, and it's grown to be my favorite boy name as our boy has grown.  I like the James Bond association, too (if I ignore the misogyny).

William Joseph:  William was another name from Joe's family tree.  Joe had an ancestor on his mother's side who was named William Durrell McCarty.  I'd wanted to use Joseph as a middle for James, but we used it for Will's name, instead--if one son is fully named after a great-grandparent, then the next son should get the father's first as a middle name, I figured.  Took me some time to get used to the name William/Will because it reminded me of the 80's movie Willow.  But there is truly no other name for this child.  He's the strongest-willed person I know.

Elise Marie--We both really loved the simple, sophisticated Elise for a girl, although she could have been an Alison).  Again, Joe's family tree was the inspiration source; he had a maternal ancestor named Elise Haseloff.  I also love Fur Elise by Beethoven.  Marie is a name I have always loved.

Zachary Allan:  the name of boy #3 was a contentious issue and it took us a long-@ss time to negotiate.  Joe liked Jackson (gasp, especially with our other kids' names) and Allan, and that was pretty much it.  He later revealed that he was joking about Jackson (what the..?).  Allan was the name of Joe's childhood friend he used to fish with.  It's a great name but I couldn't stand the thought of Al with our last name (too much like Married With Children's Al Bundy).  So after I suggested my perfectly reasonable, nice name choices and he shot them all down, I suggested the traditional and non-noveau-cool Zachary (Zach) in desperation and he agreed ("like Zack Morris!").  But by then, the big kids had gotten really attached to an early favorite (Alexander/Alex).  It took some serious convincing that the parents were the ones who got to pick the baby's name, not the kids.
George Thomas: (will update soon; 5th child syndrome) Arthur Niels: (will update soon; 6th child syndrome)

Happy Belated, To My Firstborn

Happy Belated Birthday, my sweet baby James.

How is it that you're already a decade old????


Pictures (of the birthday dude, of the Michigan trip, et al.) below.

At Pentwater.  Ice cream cake from Aunt Kay!

With Alanna's kids.

Horseback riding

Go-Karting.  What better fun for turning ten?

Things to Never Have

Things To Never Have In Your House If You Have Children

1.  Sharpie Fine-Tip Permanent Marker, 24-Pack Assorted Colors ('80's Glam).  Cost of item: $14.99 plus free shipping.  Cost of lesson learned: $3,000 in carpet and carpet pad.  [Yes, I have pics.  They are on my deactivated Facebook and I don't want to have to log on and retrieve them.  I think I even took a video.  You'll just have to take my word for it.]

2.  A piano.

3.  A large container of fish food.  And a fish.  (Dubya Dee is alive and well, and luckily there's no particular story that goes along with this one--yet.)

4.  Couch pillows you kinda like.

5.  A yardful of neighborhood kids and not enough banana licuado in the blender.

Moms of Boys (Scary Mommy)

Can relate to almost all of this, except for the totally-blue-uterus part.

http://www.scarymommy.com/10-things-moms-of-boys-must-do/

Confession

I love Weird Al.

Renegotiations

Elise (disgruntled): MOM.
Me:  What?
Elise:  When Emily lost her first tooth, her parents gave her TEN dollars!  And you only give one.
Me:  Well her parents must be rich...

Me (30 seconds later):  I mean, Tooth Fairy!  Her Tooth Fairy must be rich.  Not her parents.
Elise (unfazed):  Please, please give me ten dollars.
Me:  Plus, this isn't even your first lost tooth.  It's just your first front tooth.
Elise:  How about two dollars?

---

In other news, I made a meme:

A Few Trip Pics

This was basically the front yard of the house.  Will and James snorkeled together several times a day.

With James and Zachy

Elise on Water Cay

Here it is, your moment of Zen.

Joe and big kids on Water Cay.

The house.

Ridiculous selfie at the locals' beach near town.

Our Trip: Quick & Dirty Version

We're back from Utila.  Here are the highlights of the trip:

The Good:
-amazing rental house with stunning views
-breathtaking snorkeling right out front of property
-no one in our party contracted malaria*, explosive diarrhea, or that emerging "Chicken-goon-yay" virus* (*we think)

The Bad
-semi-automatic weapons on bank guards y la policia were a little intimidating
-power outage on day five; toilets no longer flushed (Poo Central Station in the two bathrooms)
-!Hace calor in Honduras!  Especialmente cuando no funciona el aire acondicionado.  =Hot, sweaty baby.

The Ugly
-I will need to post an image of all the insect bites covering my legs and back, in order to do the situation justice.  Luckily Zach didn't get too many.
-Zach forgot how to sleep through the night somewhere around Day 2, even when A/C was a-roarin'
-Fun Fact:  Honduras has an exit airport tax of US$40/person (surprise!)

Riding in Cars with Kids

Mid-1990's flashback of the week:

James:  Mom, what's a "wonderwall"?
Me:  (Turning down the Oasis song on the radio)  I don't know, buddy.  What do you think it is?
James:  A koala.
Me:  I think that's a "wallaby" you're thinking of.
James:  Nope.  Two different things.

You Might Be From Detroit If...

You Might Be From Detroit If...

#001.  ...you think Kelly Clarkson should have named her baby River Rouge.

Dads: The Sound of You

I read a surprisingly cool quote in People, from Matthew McConaughey:

"It's nice when [the kids] notice the deep voice from across the house, and they know it's Papa.  They know it's Dad."

This totally happened today, when Joe came home from work (yes, he did work on a Saturday; building spaceships does take dedication even on Father's Day weekend; make that Dadication.  Zing!)

Zach was helping me unfold the laundry I'd just finished folding.  The two of us were upstairs, in the special laundry-folding spot (the floor, in front of the laundry room).  Joe came into the kitchen through the garage entrance and started talking to the big kids, who were in the grips of Minecraft.  Baby and I heard the familiar clink in the key bowl--Joe putting away his car keys.  And immediately, Zach perked up and started yelling and waving his arms.

It was unmistakable recognition of Dad's dad-noises by our almost 10-month-old.

Zach was thinking, "Dad's home!"  And he wouldn't be consoled until he was in Joe's arms.

--

One of the hardest moments of my life was, after my dad's accident, being in his house while he lay across town in the hospital.  Listening for the familiar, late-day noises of my teenage years and not hearing them.  Not hearing him stroll jovially into the house after a day at work to call out, "Hullo!" in just his way.  I was an adult by then, with kids of my own.  But at that time I felt as vulnerable as if I had never left childhood.

I remember praying to hear those things again.

Thank you, higher powers that be, for the dadsounds in my life.

Camping

Went camping in the Eastern Sierras last weekend, via an invitation from some very brave friends.  It was fun.  We froze at night and it was sunburning hot in the daytime, but the Costco 8-person tent continues to serve and protect.

I'd call it a success.  Zach only ate one handful of dirt and nobody snagged himself with a fish hook.

At an alpine lake near Mammoth.

Dad 'n' Zach

Will and Elise stand on boulders; James stands in a pit and looks tiny.

Motor-vation

Joe says he'll buy me a shiny new mom taxi if I can run a 6:30 mile.

My first thought--beyond wondering whether my husband is growing weary of the ol' love handles--was, Oh Good!  Now I can get the giant, tricked-out, gas-guzzling SUV I've always secretly wanted (but outwardly scorned).

"They see me rollin'/ They hatin'" -Chamillionaire Family Taxi

Then, a few minutes of internet research revealed the price of a giant gas-guzzler to be much, much too high for the likes of us.  Even the sensible one, without the spinners.  Oh, well.  On to the second choice...that schoolmarmish Honda minivan with the built-in vacuum.  Yesssss.

"You spilled something?  Vacuum it up RIGHT NOW.  Yes, while we're driving.  Need I remind you what our last minivan looked like on the inside?"  -Me, to anyone under age 12

But....dang.  Who would have thought you'd have to buy the Touring Elite (read: the most expensive one) to get the HondaVAC?  Frickin' Honda, you are really bumming me out, man.

So now I am a little sad.  And that's to say nothing of the kidney selling we'd have to do to afford any vehicle whatsoever (new or pre-food-encrusted) at the moment.

But hey, at least my love handles are shrinking.  :)

And here's another tally on the positive side of things:

Zach-in-the-Box, for real this time.

Comic Book Artist

Here's a comic James made of his dad's life.

Notice the montage of scenes from Joe's life, each likeness with spiky hair and a smile.  There's Joe scoring in water polo (bottom left).  Top right is Joe winning a Junior Nationals event when he was 17.  Bottom right: looks like he's underhand serving a volleyball?  Top left: Joe with undisclosed female (me?). And top center, the family man with wife and gaggle of children.

My favorite is the "TM" indicating James is trademarking this idea.

Metal Dads!

This is so cool.  I want to tell every guy I know how "metal" the dad life can be.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/31/dad-life-is-metal-photos_n_5424234.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Will's Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom (A Fill-in-the-blank assignment)
by William B., age 8


A penny saved is:  "a penny lost"

Absence makes:  "work to do"

An apple a day keeps:  "growing"

Beauty is:  "amazing"

Children should:  "always be friends"  [Awww...]

Money is:  "not all that matters"  [Good job, Will!]

People who live in glass houses shouldn't:  "be teased"

There's no place like:  "home"

Two heads are:  "better than one"

You can't teach an old dog:  "tricks"

Yet Another List of Kid Quotes

"I'm so over first grade."  -Elise

"You don't want to continue swearing because it makes you sound like an idiot."  -James, gently reminding me why I need to stay on the "no-swearing" wagon

"[Funny Neighbor Kid], You are being such an 'A-S-S Hole'!"  -James, at the park playdate this week, when said-neighbor-kid threw a water balloon at Will

"We already know that, Mom.  Please stop telling us."  -Will, whenever I tell him that it's okay to lose when you play sports

Zach cruises for the first time.  He may have skipped the whole crawling thing.

Chewing Gum

(Actual Conversation. Setting: living room)


Funny Neighbor Kid:  Hey Joe!

Joe:  (in the middle of changing a poopy diaper).  Hello, (Funny Neighbor Kid's name).

FNK:  So....Did you cut off the tip of baby Zach's penis when he was born?

Joe:  (Holding back shocked laughter)  Well, kind of, but not exactly.  It's called 'circumcision.'

FNK:  I heard that's where chewing gum comes from.

Ides of May

Some pictures from the last few months...

James at the air show.

Joe, with the chillun'

Will (throwin' up gang signs?), Elise, and Joe

Elise, with Poopsie.

Why so serious, Will?

Latest Kid Quotes

"Ahh!  I can feel his little piranha teeth!" -Will, putting his finger in Zach's mouth

"Well, do you want me to do it, or not?" -James, when I lectured him about the "mo' money mo' problems" aspect of inventing a teleportation machine/ becoming the world's richest man

"They were making me do little tiny floaty things with my hands, and it, like, wasn't doing anything!" -Elise, on learning to scull in her first synchro practice

"Gog!" -Zach  ["He's religious!" -Aunt Linda]

--

Kid news:  James starts water polo tomorrow.  Will's playing flag football and scored two touchdowns during each of his last two games.  Elise started synchronized swimming today.  Zach got his first two teeth, 'round the cape of a sudden.

The school year is quickly wrapping up; it's already almost May.  The big boys did science fair (Elise decided hers was just a practice this year) and had a weeks-long argument over who first came up with the idea they both used.  James refused to document his results on his poster, citing embarrassment that only one marigold seedling survived the 6" of rain we randomly received in one day.  Will's poster was more complete, but decidedly less legible.  Note to selves: make kids type it next year.  Second note to selves: find out whether brothers in the same grade are allowed to collaborate on a project, the way real scientists do.  Then, they can fight over which of them gets first authorship, like real scientists do.  Hah.

I can't wait to start Zach's mommy & me class this Friday.

And now, for a random photo.

Daddy & Zachy.  Zach is in a rare moment of not smiling.

Magic Joe

I just read that a sequel to Magic Mike is a go.  So, I've decided to take this opportunity to randomly and obnoxiously brag, brag, braggity brag about my husband, Joe B.

Spoilers:  He's hot.  He's a terrific dad.  And he's the most optimistic, positive person I've ever met.

Sexy Pose #001: Wearing the baby.

As I was obnoxiously bragging to some of my momfriends yesterday, when I met Joe he was an almost-21-year-old captain of the swim team and dual sport athlete (he also played club water polo).  I, then 18 and uncannily career-minded, thought he was simply hot and fun to kiss and hug.

I had no idea he was also smart, responsible, and sensitive, and that I would want to have infinity babies with him.

Why am I writing about this?  Because every once in awhile it's a good idea to count your blessings, and I am glad to call him my guy.

Channing Tatum, eat yer heart out.

Poppies

We drove to the fields west of Lancaster/Palmdale to see the California Golden Poppies.  It was late in the day, windy and cool, and the sun was going down, so the flowers were closed and not nearly as spectacular as they could have been.  It also wasn't as splendid a showing as in spring 2010, when the hills were ablaze with orange flowers.

Couldn't get a picture of all of us at once without taking the risk of trampling the flowers.  Joe and I had to take turns taking pictures of ourselves with the kids.

In order to make this mini-trip happen we had to bribe the kids with ice cream and getting to sleep in their pillow fort they'd made this weekend.

Still a pretty cool experience, though.  We'll try again soon, earlier in the day and when it's less windy.

Poopsie: The Happy Ending

Well, Poopsie's "mother" turned out to be a man named Rick who lives nearby and was at his daughter's volleyball tournament all weekend.  The little dog actually belongs to Rick's college-aged son, who is away at school and blissfully unaware of any of his beloved Poopsie's misadventures this weekend.  I figured all of this out by taking Poopsie to a local vet, where they effortlessly scanned him for a microchip and made a few short phone calls.  So much for making flyers, taking to the streets, or dealing with the pound!

So, yay.  He was reunited with his grateful owner(s).

But not before he made himself at home in my house.  I had to let him inside for a few minutes before his peeps came to claim him; apparently Poopsie has "mad ups" and can jump over our fence somehow--I discovered this by answering a gentle rapping at the garage entry door, and there he was, despite my having secured all backyard exits!  ("Tis the wind, and nothing more!"  -Poopsie)

" 'Sup?"

Oh, and Poopsie's real name is Sly.  Like a fox.

Somehow, I doubt this is the last we'll see of Sly.

Poopsie

Last night, Joe and I went for a walk for our date night.  We found a dog.  He was trying to commit suicide 'neath the fast-moving tires on a busy thoroughfare.

None of the other good samaritans involved in talking him off the proverbial ledge would bring him home for the night.  "My dog would eat him!" was one lady's excuse reason.  So we're stuck with him for the moment while we plaster our entire community (including the virtual community, via Craigslist, and local Facebook/Twitter Found Pets pages) with FOUND DOG posters.

We're tentatively calling him Poopsie.  The name came from Joe's spot-on prediction that he would thank us for rescuing him by pooping in our garage.

Also, he's a Poopsie because he's clearly somebody's Little Poopsie of a dog.

Incredibly well-groomed and clean (at least, until he rolled in something in our backyard).  Strawberry blonde fur that is glossy like a fox's.  Pert, pointed little fox ears.  Collar but no ID tag.  Curly little tail that hangs ever just so.  And the sky-high, largely unfulfilled expectations of sitting in my seat, sleeping in my house, and/or finding a dog treat in my hand at any given time.

And did I mention that Elise is obsessed with him?  He's been on so many walks today (well, I guess she alternated between carrying him and pulling him in the wagon, so it doesn't really count as a walk) he must be exhausted, dahlings.

I hate to bring him to the local, high-kill animal shelter, so hopefully his owner will respond to the queries soon.

Poopsie, where is your mother?

Gypsy That I Was

I bought Zach a new toy from the children's secondhand store.  It's something I always stuck my nose up about, swore I would never buy, and I made it all the way through three kids' infancies before breaking down and getting one.

"I entertain myself!"

The beauty of the exersaucer (or whatever the heck it's called) can't be denied, though.  Due to its orbiting "sidecar" configuration, this gigantic baby-holder contraption allows him to amuse himself for a few full minutes by satisfying his wanderlust and containing him.  No, I'm not getting paid to plug this thing.  It's just cool.

In other news, James and Elise got awards at school this week; James for social studies and Elise for math.  Will didn't get an award this time and was totally happy for his siblings anyway less than thrilled.

However, that awards ceremony was right after the Y-Guides Olympics, in which Will won three medals, Elise got one, and James got none.  James was making the same face as Will stood atop the podium, decorated with all the bling and glory a gold medal in the 3rd grade boys' hula hoop competition can bring.

Ah, it's hard being an almost-Irish twin.

Hashtaggery

It's come to my attention that, when you type certain words with high frequency, Blogger automatically adorns your post with custom hashtags of those high-frequency words.  It's probably an algorithm that somebody at Google thought up.

Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem.  "Cool," I'd think.  "They're making my life easier for me, over at Google."  But my last post (entitled "Science Fair: You Are Entering...") *may* have contained the word "diarrhea" a few too many times for comfort, discretion, or general good-taste, because I just saw the following adornment that I did not (I repeat, DID NOT) personally add to my Google plus post:

#diarrhea

Once I noticed this ill-advised "auto-hashtag," I laughed until I cried.  The end.

Also, on a hopefully unrelated note, P.S., if your name is Sarah V., I am totally on the frickin' edge of my seat to hear what you are thinking of naming your upcoming BABY BOY!  I am also excited to hear what the Hemsworth-Pataky family is naming their sons, but WAY more excited for Sarah.  Yay!

Science Fair: You are entering a world of feces

The kids are doing science fair projects this year!  Exhausting, but yay!

Adding to the exhaustion: Zach has had an absolutely ridiculous odyssey of diarrhea lately.  Diarrhea in the middle of the night, several times a night.  Never-ending diarrhea.  No-sleep diarrhea.  I've taken him to the doctor FOUR TIMES in the past month--twice to the regular pediatrician, twice to urgent care.  All they did was give me an Rx for butt cream (poor, chapped little butt!) and mumble something about trying to change his formula (stool sample for rotavirus and/or other nasty infections was negative).

It finally ended on Sunday; I've never been so glad to see a diaper full of normal feces in my life, save for when James did his first BM ever.

Would it be horrible if I let one of them look at slides of Zach's poop under a microscope and draw what they saw (if anything)?  I don't think it's a powerful enough microscope to see anything quiiiite as tiny as anything that would cause such havoc.  If I'm wrong, the headline will read, "Local Kids Find Giant Virus in Baby Brother's Stool; Mother Held For Questioning."

Don't worry.  We'd wear gloves and throw away the slides once we were done.  And the junior microscope, and we would probably have to powerwash our kitchen with bleach.

Do they sell hazmat suits at Costco?

Nameberry: Dr. Seuss Names

March 2nd is Dr. Seuss' birthday, but I’ll never forget the day I heard Ted Geisel had died; I was eight.  Mom was crying a little, and I asked her what was wrong.  She said that she’d never written Dr. Seuss thank him for teaching her children to read.  In fact, in my early childhood we pored over Dr. Seuss’s ABC so many times I can still picture which page was torn (the one with the Zizzer Zazzer Zuzz).  As an adult I’ve wanted to thank Dr. Seuss, too, for the wonderful, untold hours I’ve spent reading his books with my own kids.

Everyday Seuss-isms: I’ve angrily called our elder two sons “Thing 1” and “Thing 2” when they’ve Sharpied the carpet.  And as kids, we siblings Laura and Max were often collectively referred to by our dad as “The Lorax.”  The perfect Seuss sibset, we were!

Anyway, I wrote a Nameberry (Berry Juice) post about Dr. Seuss names in celebration of his birthday.  Here's the link:

http://nameberry.com/blog/dr-seuss-baby-names-the-complete-guide-from-bartholomew-to-ziggy#more-31779

Overheard At The Helm

Snippets I happened to overhear from the driver's seat of my Mom Taxi today:


"Fiona [the dog] likes to be surrounded in hotness, so that's why she climbs in Aunt Sophia's purse."

"The cafeteria burgers are either raw or horsemeat.  HORSEMEAT, Mom.  That's illegal."

"I was like, Jeez.  Enough Olympics."

"Bob Costas?  He has pink eye."

One, Two, Seven

Aught

One

Two?

Three.

Four...

Five!

Six!!

Elise is seven today!!!  That sentence needs more exclamation marks.  I'll take her seven-year-old picture this evening after we have cake and ice cream, IF she stands still long enough for me to take it.  She is sprinting through life.

Zach in the Box

Or should I say, Zach in the Bask...

"Mommy bought the insanely expensive digital file, but she still insists on taking a cheap-looking snapshot of the print for her blog!"

 "I promise I will give you back these overalls you wore as a baby, Uncle Max.  But you have to come visit first.  Muahahaha!"

----------------

Now, for a game of Guess Which Older Sibling? (Photos A-C by our dear friend Jeanne Wood):

A. 

B. 

C.

Answers:

A. Elise (duh, she's wearing pink!)

B. Will

C. James

Bonus Question:  Who does Zach resemble most closely?