Family Minivan-ah


"Fam'ly Minivan-ah"
(To the tune of “Hotel California”; with apologies to The Eagles)

On a dark desert highway, warm wind in our hair
Stale smell of Doritos, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, we saw a shimmering light
Our heads grew heavy and our sight grew dim
We had to stop for the night
There we sat in the drive-thru;
We heard the Taco Bell
And we were thinking to ourselves,
"Seven-Eleven or Toxic Hell?"
Then Dad lit up a Maglite and he showed us the way
There were rodents living in our car,
Thought I heard them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
Plenty of room in the fam’ly minivan-ah
Any time of year (Any time of year)
You can find it here

Her mom is definitely lazy, this ain’t no Mercedes Benz (UNH!)
We got a lotta greasy, greasy toys, creep out friends
How they dance in the vacuum, sweet Zhu Zhu Pets.
Come smell and surrender, half a milkshake forget

So we called up the Captain,
"Please heed me my whine"
She said, 'We haven't seen no Windex’d mirror since 1999'
And still those scavengers crawling not far away,
Wake you up in the middle of a nap
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to the fam’ly minivan-ah
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely taste
They livin' it up in the fam’ly minivan-ah
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Here’s a bag of fries

Ice cream on the ceiling,
Cheerios and rice
And we said 'We are all just passengers here, of our LATCH device'
And in the backseat chambers,
We gathered for the feast
They swab it with their steely wool,
But they just can't clean the beast

Last thing I remember, there were
donuts on the floor
Grandma said, 'We hafta get this upholstery back
To the state it was before'
'Relax,' said the Car Man,
'We are trained to remove goo.
You can pay us any sum you like,
But some stains never leave!'



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