Thursday, February 25, 2010

List of Things To Ponder Before Falling Asleep

1. The kids really need haircuts. 'Nuff said.

2. James is a good voice imitator. His favorite thing to do as an adult will probably be to get out his twinkly, Disney voice and give the tankside talks as some sort of volunteer at SeaWorld (but egads, hopefully not for the Shamu Show).

3. What if (insert Loved One's Name) NEVER chooses a hand to write with/quits waking up at night to pee the bed/gets married/appreciates the humor of Frog & Toad/has babies/learns to tie his shoes/recognizes that farts are funny but only in appropriate settings/consistently defends me against his evil mother/flosses regularly?

4. How attractive should a nanny be? Bonus question: how much makeup would the pre-K assistant teacher have to take off before she looks normal?

5. Now that Dad has his driver's license back, will he get into an accident? Should he wear a bike helmet when driving?

Saturday, February 20, 2010

I can see Tinkerbell's hoo-hah in that dress: Things my children are never allowed to watch

Movies My Kids are Never Allowed to Watch (and Why)

1. Astro Boy (2009). Reasons: Gratuitous violence; kids will beg for rocket boots for the next 10 Christmases; machine guns inexplicably come out of boy's rectum

2. The Secret of Nimh (1985). Reason: I still have nightmares about Mrs. Brisby's encounter with The Great Rat Leader

3. Lord of the Rings Animated Version (1978). Reasons: Scenes with Gollum and the giant spiders would cause grown men to wet their pants

4. Lilo & Stitch (2002). Tragic themes on loss and child neglect make Bambi's Dad's death look tame in comparison; primary character's name is slang for 'vagina'

5. Tinkerbell (2010). Reason: updated, cleavage-cupping frock for main character deserves NC-17 rating

6. Any "Wiggles" movie. Reason: preponderance of theme songs that will earnestly be repeated in fake-Australian accent

TV Shows

1. Burt & Ernie segments of Sesame Street. Reason: NOT the usual bigoted, homophobic objections! It's just that Burt is such an as$hole to Ernie. Ever notice that?

2. Sailor Moon. Reason: potential for kids to grow up to be adults who attend semi-annual Sailor Moon Conventions at the Fontainebleu

3. Caillou. Reason: "Mom, Why is Caillou bald?" "I don't knoooow!"

4. Spongebob. Reason: supremely annoying main character

5. Pee-Wee's Play House: Reasons: too numerous and obvious to list here.